Relational Aggression: Mean Moms on the Internet

[Hoppy]

Relational Aggression: Mean Moms on the Internet<o></o>
When I first became pregnant, in 1998, I was a novice at use of the internet. I did a search on information about pregnancy and ended up on a Message Board for mothers. I met some amazing women, some of whom are still amongst my closest friends. But, there can be a nasty side to mothers on line.<o></o>
Relational aggression is described as any behavior that is intended to harm someone by damaging or manipulating relationships with others (Crick & Grotpeter, 1995). Unlike other types of bullying, relational aggression is not as overt, or noticeable as physical aggression. However, the effects can be long lasting. There has been much news about Mean Girls, made popular by the movie of the same name. <o></o>
Proactive relational aggression is when behaviors are a means for achieving a goal. For example, a group of girls or women deliberately band together to try and hurt or embarrass another.

While relational aggression can take many forms, some of the methods include:<o></o>


Exclusion<o></o>
Ignoring<o></o>
Malicious gossip and rumor spreading<o></o>
Taunts and insults<o></o>
Teasing<o></o>
Intimidation<o></o>
Manipulative affection<o></o>
Alliance building<o></o>
Cyberbullying<o></o>


Motivation for relational aggression can vary as widely as the methods. However, most motivation includes:<o></o>


Fear<o></o>
Power<o></o>
Control<o></o>
Popularity<o></o>
Security <o></o>

(http://www.spsk12.net/departments/specialed/Relational%20Aggression.htm)<o></o>
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Over the years, I have witnessed groups of women on message boards deliberately excluding other women, berating them, embarrassing them, spreading rumors and gossip, and just being downright nasty. It seems that many individuals think that the screen makes them anonymous and after all “it’s just a message board”. The bullies think, “get a life, why are you letting what a stranger says affect you?” But, the truth is that words can hurt, just as deeply as punches and internet strangers who you let into your life on a daily basis as a support system, can mean more to you than your relatives and friends that you see face-to-face on a daily basis.<o></o>

In the past, I have participated on mean mom message boards. It wasn’t fun. It seemed like you had to follow around the “cool girls” and agree with them or else you could become the next target. But, I kept going back because you get sucked in to the mentality that, just maybe, one day, everyone will look up to me in the same way. This was especially disheartening to me as I went on to have a daughter, after my two sons. I started to think how I wanted to model behavior for my daughter. Clearly, treating other women with such disrespect was not a good example.<o>

</o>So, I found a brand new message board for parents called The University of Mom, located at www.universityofmom.com (http://www.universityofmom.com/) According to the owner,

“UofMom is a community of friends - old, new and those we have not yet met. We are supportive of each other; we work toward change through kindness, sharing and compassion. We are a board that keeps it real. We don't expect people to like everyone on here, nor do we expect people to support everyone on here. We are large enough that you are able to move over the posts you don't enjoy, or are able to quietly and without disrespect, add that person onto your ignore list. We are the kind of board that welcomes everyone, of all shapes, sizes and financial situations. Our mission statement is simple: Supporting parents from all corners of the earth who are doing the most important job in the world; raising happy, healthy and confident children. Our motto is: Integrity, Respect, and Privacy for all. "
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I am so glad I have found a place where women treat each other with respect and kindness. I hope to be able to pass this lesson onto my daughter and to teach her that you don’t have to go along with the mean girls to make secure and long lasting friendships.<o></o>

Ronna Dewey, M.A.<o></o>
Ronna is a Mom of three children and has a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology from Arcadia University. She currently posts at www.universityofmom.com (http://www.univeristyofmom.com/)<o></o>
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[Lady LaRue]

....I started to think how I wanted to model behavior for my daughter. Clearly, treating other women with such disrespect was not a good example....

Hoppy, it's like you have written a page of my own past. I wish more women would read this article - it's fantastic!!

I think every single woman out there should do a quick, but serious, self-check about the way we are treating other adults to make certain we are setting a good example so our daughters can do better.

I know I'll take a look in the mirror and try to see where I can improve. I hope you reach others in the world the way you've reached me. :)

[bzymomof4]

Very good article! I like articles that make you think. With the end of the year fast approaching, its a great time to start the look back and start thinking about the improvements you want to make. Thanks!

[Happybutt]

I completely agree with everything here.

I have wondered so many times why some of these women act the way they do. I blame it on a lot of things in the article. Inadequicies in their own lives and jealousies that come out in their "mean girl" personalities.

Yet, just tonight, a few minutes ago I read something that gave me great insight into one of the more "mean girls" and why she is such a sad person that she needs to attack others. For once I did not feel anger toward her but I felt really sad for her. I can't imagine the grief she went through over this that was posted and I wonder why she chose to deal with it the way she did. By becoming a horrible bitch to everyone and attacking others. I just don't understand that.

I guess everyone deals with things in their own way but like all of you I hope to set a better example for my dd's.

[cre8tivemom]

That is an awesome article. I need to try to apply that to my daughter's trouble she is having at school with this clique of girls (yeah 4th grade and they are already in cliques); she gets teased horribly because she is bigger than the other girls, and she has Tourette's which makes her tic alot; mostly facial tics. So I am going to see what I can teach her from this article about the way people bully others and try to come up with some solutions she can use to combat it in addition to telling on the girls (which isnt gaining her any popularity either; she has been taught that if she tells someone when someone is hurting someone else including herself it is called telling; when she tells just to get someone in trouble it is tattling and no one likes a tattletale, but if she is telling something that needs to be told than it is ok; well these girls hurt her almost daily and so she tells; she could stoop to their level and whoop the crap out of them but she chooses not to fight at school) anyway, I could teach her something from this article. Thanks Hoppy!

[Bajita]

Great article Hoppy! :heart:

[Lady LaRue]

That is an awesome article. I need to try to apply that to my daughter's trouble she is having at school with this clique of girls (yeah 4th grade and they are already in cliques); she gets teased horribly because she is bigger than the other girls, and she has Tourette's which makes her tic alot; mostly facial tics. So I am going to see what I can teach her from this article about the way people bully others and try to come up with some solutions she can use to combat it in addition to telling on the girls (which isnt gaining her any popularity either; she has been taught that if she tells someone when someone is hurting someone else including herself it is called telling; when she tells just to get someone in trouble it is tattling and no one likes a tattletale, but if she is telling something that needs to be told than it is ok; well these girls hurt her almost daily and so she tells; she could stoop to their level and whoop the crap out of them but she chooses not to fight at school) anyway, I could teach her something from this article. Thanks Hoppy!
I'm so sorry your daughter is experiencing this. This is why it's so important that we ALL work toward change in certain behaviors so that our kids will begin to understand that it is not acceptable to tease and pick. I have always tried with my kids to make them understand that they need to be accepting and kind to EVERYone no matter what their differences are. Hopefully the next generation will be impacted enough to make a huge difference.