*sigh*

[raw]

And so it begins... again.

Last year, my son P, was the victim of bullies in his old school. The school failed him, they failed us. They told me that P needed to "learn to stand up for himself." Yeah, that went over well with me. I informed them that my son was 6- it was THEIR responsibility to keep him safe. So we switched schools, putting him back in his neighborhood school. It took counseling, and over 8 months for me to "get my kid back."

Fast forward to this year. There is a "problem child" in his class. The school is aware of it, the administrators are aware of it. This kis is mean. He's a name caller- an opportunist who will wait until the teacher's back is turned than then he'll slap whichever kid is closest. He sits alone in the classroom, since he can't be trusted to sit with othe children without using his hands and words to hurt them.

The teacher has been giving the kids strategies for dealing with this kid, and disarming his hurtful words. Which has apparently, just pissed this kid off more.

Yesterday, he hit my son. Twice. In two different situations, two different classrooms.

I. came. unglued. I pulled the principal out of a teacher meeting after school and had P tell her. I also sent the following e-mail to P's homeroom teacher, the principal of the school, and the administrator in charge of elementary education:

Ms. Teacher,

Thank you for your work in helping P with some strategies for dealing with the problem with A.L. Today, however, during two specials classes, P was hit by A on two separate occasions. I spoke with Ms. Gym Teacher, and she confirmed that Phad, indeed, been hit in the back of the head, and that she had put a stop to it.

I was not able to speak to the music teacher, Ms. Music Teacher. I did, however, speak to Mrs. Principal to make her aware of the problem.

It is bad enough for me to know that P has to learn strategies for coping with a kid who can't seem to play nicely.

I will not, however, tolerate P being hit- and I am certain that you are in agreement with this.

I look forward to hearing from you, Mrs. Principal and/or Mrs. Administrator. You all are the pros at dealing with this sort of thing, unfortunately, and I need to know what kind of stand the school district takes with respect to physical violence within its walls.

Regards,

raw


Any suggestions? What more can I do? My son is doing REALLY well dealing with it- he understands that it's not HIM. That he's a good kid, and that the adults will take care of this.

I am FURIOUS.

[Crabbie]

I hope they do something about this child. It is too bad that this is happening to your son a second year in a row.

[cre8tivemom]

I would not be happy with that at all. There is no excuse for a child hitting another child and the school being so seemingly non chalant, that kid needs to be in another alternative school where they know how to properly deal with that issue. It seems to me that that school does not know how to deal with that as they say they do.

In our school, first offense at bullying gets the kid a conference with all parties involved plus the parents; second, offense is in school detention; 3rd offense is immediate expulsion grades 3 and higher. If it is a grade lower than 3, they remove him from the classroom to be with an aide doing teacher's assignments and having regular counseling with a guidance counselor and the parent.

Sounds to me that the school is just hoping you will go away and go on with life. Give them a time frame that you want something done, give them suggestions on what they need to do with the kid in question, keep checking with it (that way they know you are not going away anytime soon), and if nothing is done about it... have an attorney get involved so they know you mean business. This school needs to realize that there is a problem and have it addressed as soon as possible. These are the kids that grow up and go on rampage shootings (alot of the time) and other bad things. Chances are, he learned this at home or he has an underlying disability that no one has diagnosed yet or both. He needs help with his aggression and needs it quick. Good Luck to you!!

[bzymomof4]

Oh man. I dont really know what to say except do not back down. Our kids need us to advocate for them. Get a lawyer involved. Get the school board, the state board of education, the news anyone and everyone you can/ have to to bring attention to A) this kid (bully) needs help and B) this school obviously needs help to! Never is being a bully okay. Never.

Kudos to your kid for telling you and realizing that its NOT his fault that this is going on.

Keep us posted

[Chocko]

A similar thing happened with Gia last semester, as you know Raw. I can tell you that the one thing that worked really well was calling the school board and demanding they handle it.

I am going to think on this, and call you later.

[KIDPOWER]

I really appreciate Raw and all of you who replied for your commitment NOT to ignore bullying and to how you are advocating for the safety of your children.

Raw, I am glad that your son is handling this so well but of course you are right that he shouldn't have to. Even in the best of situations, children will sometimes encounter bullying, so here's an article from our website about practices you can do with children to prepare them to stop bullying with confidence:
http://www.kidpower.org/ARTICLES/Bullying-Prevention-Practices.html

You are on the right track with being specific and insisting that the school take effective action to stop this child from hitting other children. Based on what you have said so far, you will almost certainly need to persist. If children were throwing rocks through windows, it would be seen as totally unacceptable and stopped immediately. Schools need to stop destructive behavior towards other children with the same level of determination. You might get some additional ideas from these two articles:
http://www.kidpower.org/ARTICLES/bullying-solutions-parents.html
http://www.kidpower.org/ARTICLES/Bullying-Prevention-Actions.html

In addition, we have over 100 pages on Preventing Bullying in our KIDPOWER Book for Caring Adults.

Good luck and please keep us posted.

Irene from kidpower

[leo_jess]

This really makes me sad and pissed off!

I believe that so many people are raising their kids to be alpha dog. They're taught the words to yell at other children. They're taught how to take advantage of the sweet children, to know when to strike.

I know kids are mean, but dammit! What are we as parents supposed to do? Especially at your sons young age? You could talk to his parents directly but they know what he is, what he's doing. And chances are they're proud of him for doing so! "He's my tough boy!", I can imagine them saying. Not just your situation, all similar situations.

My son has been picked on, but luckily he has NO clue that they were being mean! He doesn't know what it is to be flat out mean spirited. One day he WILL know and I pray he has enough self-esteem to not let it get to him.


I feel for you hon, we all do. It's a parents worst nightmare (at least one of them, we have many!).

[raw]

Irene, the section on bullying in my copy of the book is dog eared, highlighted and filled with notes. :lol:

I spoke with the principal today- after my son was KICKED yesterday. The teacher saw it- a few teachers have seen this child hit other kids. The principal is angry, because her teachers have not followed the school policy of sending the child immediately to the office.

We also came up with some things last night that hopefully will help my son- if A comes up to my kiddo and calls him a punk, or a dummy, or an idiot or whatever, my son will respond with one of the following:

"Have a nice day!"
"Welcome to Old Navy!"

or, my favorite, "RHUBARB!!!"

Because rhubarb is a funny word.

[Snaggle]

Raw, I think it's time to plant yourself outside the Principal's office, and demand an immediate mediation on this situation.


This is absolutely unacceptable behavior, although, I'm wondering if this boy has other "issues" to be it politely?



Has the school called his parents at all? I just can't understand why this has been allowed to go on for so long.




:hug2:

[Jinxie]

I hope that this is dealt with quickly. I am sorry your little guy is going through this.

[KIDPOWER]

Well, Raw, I think you are doing a great job of supporting your son and of demanding that the principal and teachers take charge so that your son and other children are protected and so that the children doing the bullying are stopped and given other more appropriate ways of interacting.

I've seen thousands of children from all walks of life. Though they can behave very meanly at times, children can also be very kind and compassionate.

Unfortunately, children often have poor role models of TV programs making meanness a joke - and of adults using mean behavior themselves.

Some children experiment with negative uses of their power. They need to be stopped and given clear consequences and forced to practice positive ways of expressing ideas and resolving conflict.

[Hoppy]

Just wanted to add that I wonder if this child has some special education needs. Regardless, he should be referred to he school psychologist for evaluation and a behavior plan needs to be put into place immediately.

[raw]

I found out today that this child was a HUGE behavior problem LAST YEAR. And color me callous, but I don't give a rat's ass if he's got special education needs. It's taken me a VERY long time to get my child over the bullying of last year- the school is aware of that.

[bzymomof4]

I dont think its being callous, but the school needs to really re-evaluate him. I know there is that rule where they try to keep things as normal as possible for special needs kids, but I think in this case they really need to re-weigh the matter. I mean if he is being detrimental to other students, then his needs need to be looked at again because it is not fair that other students should have to suffer. I dont know if my thoughts are coming out clear, but basically the school needs to factor in the needs of ALL the kids not just the ones with special needs. And I have 3 special needs kids and I dont think you are being callous. Stick to your guns.

[raw]

I think that my anger really stems from the fact that this is YEAR 2 of this kid being a troublesome bully, and the school has, thus far, done NOTHING. They had all year last year (when he got into a fistfight a day) to figure out whether or not he had needs that weren't being met. The teacher that he had last year quit over it. Went to another school, since this school wasn't even being reactive, much less proactive.

[raw]

My son was hit again today. I am about to lose it.

[Dream]

Raw I am sorry you are dealing with this. What are the laws in your state. I wonder could file police charges against the bully.

[Hoppy]

I wasn't suggesting that you should care about his needs. I was suggesting that the school needs to care. At this point I would start talking to the media if the school isn't doing anything.

[raw]

I know what you were suggesting, Hoppy. I truly do. I'm just so angry and frustrated that I can't see straight.

[humphrey1899]

Raw,
so sorry that your son is having to deal with a bully..

are there other children being bullied by the child? if there is maybe you and other parents can do something about it.

just because a child has special needs doesn't give him/her the right to be a bully.. this is coming from a mother of a special needs child.

I hope this gets resolved quickly...

[Crabbie]

I hate that te school os sitting on their hands in this situation.

[raw]

He's not the only child being bullied. He was hit yesterday, and my husband asked him, "Did you tell a grown up?" To which he replied, "No. What would be the point? They don't do anything anyway." :mad: It infuriates me that he's right.

AFAIK, he's not special needs in any way. He's just mean. Of course, I'm not privy to all of his information, but he's in the class all day, and doesn't receive any special services, or special teaching.

[teachergurl73]

OK Raw, I am taking off my administrator hat and putting on my mommy hat.

My DS is a very sweet and loving child. The perfect target for bullies. Being in a school, I know sometimes how tied the hands of the school may be (which by the way is inexcusable).

So, while my view may not be the popular one, I will tell you what I have told my son.

1st - he is never to be mean, never to start something with another kid. No hitting, touching, or talking smack.

2nd - IF another kid hits him or pushes him, etc....the FIRST time he goes to a teacher to try and resolve it this way.

HOWEVER, if a kid hits him again, then it is on. DS has been told to knock the hell out of him. IN my experience, the best (and sometimes only) way to end a bully's reign is to knock them out.

My son asked me, but what about if he gets in trouble for it and is suspended for a while. I have told him that I will deal with that and not be mad if he was protecting himself.

Guys, I know this goes against what so many of us have been taught, but I will not tolerate my children being hurt....they have to be empowered to act back.....

So, just my :twocents:

Raw, I really hope this gets taken care of, I am so sorry your son is having to deal with it again.

[3babesandadad]

that's the way I was taught as well, Teach, and I'll be teaching my kids the same thing. If you have to physically defend yourself- then so be it. The school is continually teaching these children that the adults at school aren't going to do anything to help fix the problem-this doesn't make for a very secure child. :(
raw, I am disgusted right along with you. I wonder if it's because you live in a small town away from the big city that causes these people to have this "andy griffin" mentality? They figure they don't have the superintendint right on top of them like the big city schools do, so they can just look the other way.
:sigh:



:comfort:

Forgive me if you've already answered this question... but have you personally talked to the boy's parents to see if they even KNOW what's going on?

[Snaggle]

OK Raw, I am taking off my administrator hat and putting on my mommy hat.

My DS is a very sweet and loving child. The perfect target for bullies. Being in a school, I know sometimes how tied the hands of the school may be (which by the way is inexcusable).

So, while my view may not be the popular one, I will tell you what I have told my son.

1st - he is never to be mean, never to start something with another kid. No hitting, touching, or talking smack.

2nd - IF another kid hits him or pushes him, etc....the FIRST time he goes to a teacher to try and resolve it this way.

HOWEVER, if a kid hits him again, then it is on. DS has been told to knock the hell out of him. IN my experience, the best (and sometimes only) way to end a bully's reign is to knock them out.

My son asked me, but what about if he gets in trouble for it and is suspended for a while. I have told him that I will deal with that and not be mad if he was protecting himself.

Guys, I know this goes against what so many of us have been taught, but I will not tolerate my children being hurt....they have to be empowered to act back.....

So, just my :twocents:

Raw, I really hope this gets taken care of, I am so sorry your son is having to deal with it again.




:ita: This is what my police officer parents told me as well. And they stood behind me after several incidents. What's more, I was only suspended once. Just once. Of course having your mom and dad standing there in full police gear quoting the statutes on the "right to defend yourself" tends to get the attention of most school adminstrators.



Raw, I hate to say it, but it's time to get an attorney. They are obviously not taking you seriously. It's time to bring in the big guns. :hug2: I'm so sorry you are still dealing with this.


Call me if you need anything ok? :love:

[*PL*]

shit raw - have you gotten anywhere with the principal, etc. yet???

[raw]

Talked to the principal for about 45 minutes this morning. They know that there is a problem, and apparently a few of the students revolted last week. Got sick and tired of this kid being a bully, so they fought back. These kids (my son was NOT among them) were all sent to the office.

So let me get this straight, ms. principal... these kids DEFEND themselves, and they get sent to the office, but this kid repeatedly bullies and hits other children and DOESN'T get sent to the office. No wonder these children feel so disempowered. And it's not just my child, which oddly makes me feel somewhat better, and I will find out who the other kids are, and I will meet with their parents. There is strength in numbers, and I'm guessing that they don't know the full story. If they did, there would have been a line out the door this morning.

I told her that this child is NOT to touch mine. Whatever they have to do to get this message across to him was fine. I will accept no excuses, I will accept no more waiting.

The next time my child has a problem (and unfortunately, we all know that there will be a next time), we will have another meeting. With me, my husband, the principal, and an attorney.

The principal is being proactive but she's just so... nice. Someone in authority needs to stop giving a rat's ass about damaging this child's self esteem, and stand up for the children whose self esteem WAS fine until this little punk started in on them. Someone needs to stand up for the kids who are losing faith that the school is a safe place. If nobody in authority will do that voluntarily, then I will force them to do it.

[KIDPOWER]

Raw, you are doing all the right things. I am so sorry this is happening to you and your son.

Children deserve to live and go to school in cultures of caring, respect, and safety.

Children who, for whatever reason, act unsafely towards others, need to be stopped.

The adults in charge are in charge of keeping things safe. It sounds like the principal and the teachers all need training in how to manage peer aggression. If I were in your shoes, I'd be doing the same things you are.

We have many stories of adults finally telling their children that, after they have tried setting boundaries, leaving and getting help, they have the right to defend themselves physically. Sometimes one strong physical move has been enough to end months of bullying.

I taught my own children how to defend themselves physically in the context of being clear about you only having the right to hurt another person to protect yourself - NOT for revenge and NOT to fight over insults or property.

[raw]

Irene, I'm so glad that you posted that. I got to the point last night where I told my son that if he is hit again he's to tell a teacher immediately. If he's hit past that, then he's to kick the shit out of the little bully. He can- he's been in karate for almost 2 years, but he's disciplined enough not to use it.

He said, "What if I get in trouble? What if I get suspended?"

My husband told him that if he gets in trouble for defending himself that he will go to the office, pick him up in a bear hug, and tell him that he's proud of him.

[Snaggle]

Irene, I'm so glad that you posted that. I got to the point last night where I told my son that if he is hit again he's to tell a teacher immediately. If he's hit past that, then he's to kick the shit out of the little bully. He can- he's been in karate for almost 2 years, but he's disciplined enough not to use it.

He said, "What if I get in trouble? What if I get suspended?"

My husband told him that if he gets in trouble for defending himself that he will go to the office, pick him up in a bear hug, and tell him that he's proud of him.



Your husband is a wonderful daddy! :lovey: Raw, I wondering if perhaps you shouldn't try to get in touch with some of parents of the kids who rebelled against what was happening to them. :hmm: What's that saying... united we stand...


You are being much more calm about this than I would be. I bow to your superior anger control skills.

[KIDPOWER]

I'd suggest you look in the KP Book on pages 325-331 to review the bully self-defense techniques and practice these with your son. They are likely to be effective while less likely to cause injury than most karate techniques. You could write a letter to the school that they have failed to protect your son, so you have told him he has the right to defend himself to stop someone from hurting him. One mother did this because boys were grabbing her twelve-year-old daughter's breasts. The next time a boy grabbed this girl's breast, she flattened him with a heel palm to the solar plexus, ending months of harassment - and did NOT get into trouble.

[Joshiecat]

Hi! I'm sorry your son had to deal with all of that! Was there ever a resolution?