Bullying Concerns

[KIDPOWER]

Good Morning, University of Mom!

Thank you again for the warm welcome! Several people who wrote expressed concern about bullying. We have over 100 pages on bullying in our KIDPOWER Book for Caring Adults, which is available on our website, where we also have several free articles specifically about this issue.

I am wondering, do you or your children have specific problems with bullying that you are dealing with right now? I'll be glad to explain how People Safety skills can help.

KIDPOWER/Irene
kidpower.org

[raw]

We had to pull our son out of his school and switch him to another school because of bullying. He's 6, and the bullies were not actually hurting him, but they would threaten him CONSTANTLY. The poor child was afraid to go to school, to hockey, or anywhere else where he m ight run into these kids.

The school was aware of the problem, but since these were rich kids, and the school is dependent upon donations from their families, they did nothing.

[raw]

Should mention that the school took a "blame the victim" mentality: They told me that my son needed to learn to defend himself, and that he was considered a "mama's boy" and that our relationship was not healthy. Yeah, that went over really well.

[Lady LaRue]

Irene, we are so glad you are here! Thanks for taking the time to offer advice and tips on preventing bullying.

My son is 8 years old. He loves to ride the school bus. I want him to be independent and enjoy his mode of transportation to/from school. However, he tells me that when he rides the bus in the afternoons, some of the bigger kids make him sit on the floor. He doesn't seem to see a problem with it. I worry that he will be too tolerant of abuse. I don't know why he would think it's okay, and some times I wonder if I'm making more of it than it is. Still....on the floor?

When he talks about it he makes it sound like it's no big deal - yet I know that one child on the bus has punched him in the stomach, and in school the same child has pushed him down for no apparent reason.

We've tried to explain to him that it is NOT okay for someone to hurt him or put their hands on him, he just blows us off, again like it's no big deal. I don't know if it's sinking in or not and I'm worried about letting him ride the bus again. Any ideas?

[KIDPOWER]

I have some thoughts for both Raw and for Chesty LaRue.

For Raw - First of all, you did the right thing to take the bullying seriously and to take charge of your son's emotional safety by moving him away from a place that was not safe. Being constantly threatened IS very hurtful. I feel very sad when I hear that children are blamed for speaking up instead of encouraged to speak up - or that parents are blamed for wanting to protect their children . KIDPOWER's underlying principal is that safety and self-esteem are more important than anyone's embarrassment, inconvenience or offense. Most teachers and school administrator are very dedicated but also very overwhelmed by the tremendous demands put on them by everyone. For our article on Seven Solutions for School Bullying - go to http://www.kidpower.org/ARTICLES/bullying-solutions-parents.html

For Chesty LaRue - It is really great for your son that you are letting him know that his safety is important to you, even though he says things are no big deal. A lot of times children want so badly to have independence, to be liked by the group, and to be thought of as cool, that they will persuade themselves that they don't mind.They aren't lying, but just putting aside the unhappy feelings for the sake of what they feel is important. Sometimes these feelings can accumulate and explode in a great deal of upset later on. Children need to see their adults showing positive leadership around issues like bullying. Instead of asking him if this is okay with him, you can tell your son that YOU don't feel safe if he is getting punched, pushed onto the floor, or knocked down and that you need to make a plan with him so that this doesn't happen. You might try riding the bus one day yourself to get a better understanding of what the situation is - perhaps the driver needs parents to help with supervision? Even if he is very resistant, insist that your son practice with you for YOUR peace of mind. Ask him show you how problems like these start so you can make strategies such as setting firm clear boundaries, moving away when someone starts to behave in a way that means trouble, and being persistent in getting help from busy adults.

Hope this helps,
Irene from KIDPOWER

[Lady LaRue]

.......
For Chesty LaRue - It is really great for your son that you are letting him know that his safety is important to you, even though he says things are no big deal. A lot of times children want so badly to have independence, to be liked by the group, and to be thought of as cool, that they will persuade themselves that they don't mind.They aren't lying, but just putting aside the unhappy feelings for the sake of what they feel is important. Sometimes these feelings can accumulate and explode in a great deal of upset later on. Children need to see their adults showing positive leadership around issues like bullying. Instead of asking him if this is okay with him, you can tell your son that YOU don't feel safe if he is getting punched, pushed onto the floor, or knocked down and that you need to make a plan with him so that this doesn't happen. You might try riding the bus one day yourself to get a better understanding of what the situation is - perhaps the driver needs parents to help with supervision? Even if he is very resistant, insist that your son practice with you for YOUR peace of mind. Ask him show you how problems like these start so you can make strategies such as setting firm clear boundaries, moving away when someone starts to behave in a way that means trouble, and being persistent in getting help from busy adults.

Hope this helps,
Irene from KIDPOWER

This is exactly what I think is going on. It makes me very worried. Thanks for the advice, we will talk about this some more with him. :)

[Chocko]

I love the idea of showing your ds that you don't accept the treatment he is receiving on the school bus, even if he chooses to shrug it off. I have heard so many stories about school bus bullying that I think bus drivers should be made to take a KIDPOWER course and schools should have someone riding on the buses to watch over the kids.

My friend's son was beaten up on the school bus and the driver did not do a thing. The parents did lay charges and the child was suspended. I think they dropped the charges because they "heard" from the school guidance counselor that the child was not living under the best of conditions.

My daughter refuses to ride the school bus because she says that there are kids on the bus, that when sitting behind you, cut your hair off for a laugh.

[cara7166]

Our daughter (16) had continual problems last year from a 17 year old girl who was upset my daughter was dating her ex boyfriend. She threatened her constantly, did a LOT of talking, and we were at the school several times trying to get something done about it. The school shrugged it off. The police officer felt so sorry for the offending girl as her dad had died a few years ago and he said she acts out because of this. The situation continued escalating until the girl actually attacked my daughter in the hallway. It only ended when we got our lawyer and threatened legal action against the school. Then at the beginning of this year, it started up again. We immediately threatened legal action and it ended. It is amazing to me that it takes this to get something done about a bullying situation. If schools are concerned about legal action as described in your link, it is appalling to me that a parent has to get to that level of action before they will even take notice. I am also concerned about parents who do not have an attorney on retainer or who can't afford an attorney - how would they handle this situation? I think that is just wrong.

[Hoppy]

I struggle with the opposite problem. So far, bullying hasn't been a concern for my 8 year old twins. I feel like there may be "safety in numbers" for them. But, I do worry about them becoming bullies themselves. They tell me about some things that happen at school, on the playground, the bus, etc. I always try and teach them the way to intervene on behalf of the child being teased. There is a boy who has Asperger's Syndrome who lives in our neighborhood and rides the bus. He apparently has some odd behaviors and some kids do pick on him. I tried to explain to my sons that his brain works differently and he may not be able to help some of his behaviors. And that they should stand up to the offenders and say that it is not right to tease someone. I also encouraged my one son to sit on the bus with the child. I thought that perhaps by leading by example things might calm down.

Any advice on teaching kids to just be good friends and set good examples for the bullies?

[KIDPOWER]

We often hear from upset and worried parents whose children's schools have failed to keep them safe. We partner with many wonderful schools that make KIDPOWER an ongoing part of the their curriculum, including having their schoolyard supervisors learn our program. Unfortunately, some schools lack skills and understanding on how to deal with problems effectively. Our vision at KIDPOWER is to work together (with U of Mom, families, and people everywhere) to create cultures of caring, respect and safety for all. Our Positive Peer Interaction Initiative teaches children how to use use boundary-setting and other People Safety skills to build positive relationships and solve problems - and shows adults how to intervene as positive powerful leaders to help children be safe with each other. School bus drivers have a hard job - to drive safely, be on time, and manage children. There need to be clear groundrules for the behavior expected on the bus and it needs to be clear that riding the bus is a privelege, not a right. Bus Drivers need to be given permission to stop the bus and deal with problems safely, rather than being pressured to be on time. And they need tools on how to intervene in a way that will model powerful positive adult leadership for their children.

We have over 100 pages on bullying in our KIDPOWER Book for Caring Adults, as well as a wealth of other information. http://www.kidpower.org/RESOURCES/KP-Book.html The key is to practice as well as to explain. Just like any other skill, children learn more from what they are given the change to DO successfully than from what they are TOLD.

Hoppy, I think that you are doing a great job of guiding your twins to be compassionate. For a free article on what to do if you are worried about your child bullying, see http://www.kidpower.org/ARTICLES/my-child.html

[KIDPOWER]

Cara7166, I am so sorry that this happened to your daughter and agree that this is appalling. We hear stories like this all the time. You did the right thing in protecting her. Schools are facing very competing pressures. Often people don't need to hire an attorney - they just need to threaten legal action if schools don't make sure that their children are safe. We recommend that parents try to work things out first - to be assertive and persistent and respectful - but nothing works all the time. WE also encourage all children, teens, and adults to take a self-defense class. For our free article on How to Pick a Good Self-Defense Program, see
http://www.kidpower.org/ARTICLES/self-defence.html

[riccara]

I think every kid should take a self defense class. Our child will be in gymnastics at 3 and martial arts right after that.

[KIDPOWER]

The first line of self-defense in stopping bullying is to be aware, calm, and confident so that people are less likely to pick on you. The next is to move away from a person who is being aggressive or unkind and to protect your feelings. Anytime you are being bullied, your job is to get help from the people who care about you. About a third of our KIDPOWER instructors are martial artists- some of them quite high ranking with their own schools. They helped to develop our description of how to choose a good self-defense program because there is a huge variation in quality. Well-run martial arts programs are one great way to learn self-defense. Taking a focused workshop such as those we offer in KIDPOWER is also a great way. We believe that when families learn People Safety skills together, this will enhance their lives, not just for dealing with bullying problems, but for having better relationships.

[Libby]

This is interesting. Thank you for the insights - my girls have not been bullied at thsi points but we did have a case where one girl was making fun of another girl who is handicapped & when yet another girl stepped in to defend the handicapped girl, the original girl made fun of them both. The parents complained and all parents & students had to meet. I think they handled it well. The original girl is much calmer this year and is not as bullying as she was previously. I don't know whether it is due to the talkign to or just maturity.

There are a few girls in my dds' classes that I am keeping an eye on because I can see the potential for them to be bullies. I feel bad since I am friendly with their moms but I can see that how they sometimes will taunt or direct some of the other kids in what they play with, what they wear, what they do. It is sad because these kids are only 6!

[AndreaW76]

[quote=Hoppy;196609] But, I do worry about them becoming bullies themselves. quote]


:ita: This is my concern as well. My oldest daughter is 8. She lives with her father and stepmother. They are very, how do I put it? Materialistic. They dress her VERY well, and while this is not a problem necessarily, I feel that she thinks if you don't dress in clothes from such and such store or such and such children's boutique, then you're not good enough. There have been instances where I have overheard my daughter talking to her BFF and making fun of other little girls: saying they have lice, etc. Even if it was true, they shouldn't be repeating it, IMO. But they seem to think that it's okay! :dunno:
I've also seen instances at their kid football games. DD and her BFF were cheerleaders for their school's kid football team. As it turned out, there were just enough girls signed up for tryouts, that they didn't need to have tryouts, and all the little girls got to be cheerleaders. Well, there was this one cheerleader, bless her heart...she's maybe 3rd grade (DD is in 2nd), and the girl is alot bigger/taller than all of the other girls on the cheer squad. DD would always make some snotty comments about this girl...about how she couldn't jump very high; her socks are dirty; her hair is not brushed well; blah blah blah. It really upset me to here her talk about this other little girl. And I told her this. I would explain to her that I did not think that was a very nice thing to say and she shouldn't talk badly of this other girl. It would go in one ear and out the other....
I hate to think that my daughter is going to be one of the 'mean girls' in school. :cry:
I feel like I am at a loss as to what to do. As stated above, she lives with her father and stepmother for the most part...I get her every other weekend. I just feel that they (more importantly, the stepmom) has more influence and control over her attitude/thoughts than I do in the short time I have her. And, honestly, I don't just say that about the stepmom because I'm bitter or anything. :lol: I get along with her really well, she's just that 'type' of person that is constantly talking about others. This is where I think DD gets this from, maybe? :shrug:
How can I keep my daughter from being a bully!? :cry:

[Daisy]

Another parent of an 8 yo who has the potential to be a bully. I read Queen Bees and Wannabees and Saw Mean Girls but I didn't expect it as early as 3rd grade. She already gravitates to other girls who dress "in style" her words and similar interests which is cheering or any sport, Hanna Montana and the other trends right now.

Just since returning from Christmas break I've noticed her being negative about girls who I thought were her friends (Mom she's so weird type thing). There are 3 other girls in her class that are "popular" and that she calls her best friends right now. I imagine that the 4 of them together could be pretty formidable especially at lunch and on the playground.

I also have a college freshman (male) and I've always told them both to be nice to everyone even if they aren't your friend necessarily. Even though he was a popular athlete he never had any problems but he would tell me horror stories about the girls in his group (online bullying especially).

My 3rd grader seems to be ignoring that advice and I'm concerned. Is this normal 8 yo/3rd grade behavior they hopefully outgrow or is there something I need to be doing before this gets out of hand?

[KIDPOWER]

In the KIDPOWER Book for Caring Adults, we have a large section on why bullying happens based on what children of many different ages and backgrounds have told us - and how to prevent bullying through discussion, empathy, and practice of taking positive action to solve problems. We also discuss how to be a safe adult to come to, how to overcome resistance, and how to teach children to be advocates for the well-being of themselves and others.

The reality is that it can be normal to be interested in what others are doing, to get frustrated with others sometimes, to feel uncomfortable when someone seems different, to want to make yourself feel important at the expense of others, to be liked by the group, etc.

There are lots of behaviors that are "normal" that we have to teach children to do differently from a very young age in order to function well in our society - eg. not biting when they're mad, using the toilet, etc. etc.

I think it is very important that adults intervene positively, respectfully, and firmly when they see children start to bully rather than just letting it happen or hoping they'll grow out of it. Encourage children to tell you their feelings without giving them a lecture. Then practice different solutions to resolving those feelings in ways that won't hurt anyone. Having everyone in a child's life agree to a code of ethics - including setting a good example by watching our own behavior - can be a way to create a common ground for children.

No matter what anyone else does when they are not with you, even if children seem not to be listening, you can model and insist on the behavior you want when they are with you. The logical consequence for negative behavior can simply be to practice using positive behavior. For example, you might say, "That sounded like a hurtful thing to say and I know you are a kind person. Let's see if we can find ways to express (or deal with) what bothered you in a way that is respectful rather than hurtful." Then act out the situation and coach the child to practice out loud being respectful and caring rather than unkind and hurtful.