Okay, Irene....

[Lady LaRue]

Remember my kid? The one that gets pushed around sometimes on the bus?

Last week he got a "yellow" mark for behavior and the reason listed was "pushing and horseplay", so I didn't think much about it, because I've seen them in line at school, they bump each other, act silly, etc., but we talked to him about better ways to behave and why, etc.

Fastforward to yesterday, he brought home a citation/office referral notice. It basically says his teacher referred him to the office for disciplinary action for a "progressive" behavior problem. It said that last week he pushed a child to the ground, causing the child to fall in the mud :eyepop: and today (yesterday) he punched another child in the stomach. :faint:

I asked him way and he said because the other child called him the "R" word. I explained to him that hitting was unacceptable, but he didn't understand because he thought the "R" word used as an insult was also unacceptable. So we talked to him more about it and took away several things we consider privileges - tv, computer, video games, having friends over. I also had him write apology letters to both kids and the teacher and principal, which the teacher seemed to appreciate. I asked him to think about what he did, why he did it, why hitting is wrong, and what he can do differently next time.

Did I miss anything else I need to be doing? What else can I do to make sure that this doesn't happen again? I"m horrified that he punched the other child in the stomach and I don't want this to continue with him.

Thanks!

[KIDPOWER]

Dear Chesty LaRue,

We say in KIDPOWER that mistakes are part of learning and testing the rules is part of growing up. You are a good mother and your son is a good person! You've done well with your son of being very clear about your rules and about having appropriate consequences. Now, your next steps can be to give your son better tools for handling his upset feelings and to ask more questions of the school about what they are doing to prevent problems and to be consistent with all their students.

What you have been telling me is that rules are inconsistently enforced in the school and on the bus. Sometimes roughhousing is okay and sometimes it is not. Young people get indignant about perceived unfairness. Inconsistency can be both confusing and frustrating for a child - and can lead to behavior sometimes getting out of control.

Part of the problem is a need for more supervision. Children need adults to intervene BEFORE they get too upset and start hurting each other emotionally or physically. Adults need to: pay attention so that they notice when tension starts to develop; re-direct behavior before it starts to escalate by asking questions and getting kids to find other things to do than bother each other; set firm calm boundaries; and have consistent consequences. In Rhode Island, the school is actually paying for monitors to ride the school buses.

Why, instead of sending home a non-specific note, didn't someone from the school call you right away last week and sit down with you and your son to figure out what was going on and how it could be prevented?

From what you are describing, it sounds as if our son is occasionally exploding with feelings and he needs safe ways to protect himself from hurting words and to get away from kids who he might like one minute and who upset him the next. Some of the "People Safety" skills we teach in KIDPOWER include throwing hurting words into a trash can instead of taking them into your heart; taking the power out of hurtful words so that what others say does NOT control how you feel or what you do; adjusting your emotional distance; walk away power; dis-engaging with kindness; setting boundaries in an assertive way; and being persistent in getting help.

These are described in detail in our KIDPOWER Book for Caring Adults.
http://www.kidpower.org/RESOURCES/KP-Book.html

There's also a free article about What If My Child Is The Bully on our website at:
http://www.kidpower.org/ARTICLES/my-child.html

Hope this gives you some ideas that might help.

Irene

[teachergurl73]

Dear Chesty LaRue,


Why, instead of sending home a non-specific note, didn't someone from the school call you right away last week and sit down with you and your son to figure out what was going on and how it could be prevented?



Irene

:yes:

The teacher should have been more proactive in contacting you to tell you that hsi behavior was progressing. It is one thing if it was the first time, but to use the word progressive on the discipline referral, there should have been more specific and direct contact made BEFORE this incident. That being said, I can guarantee you that your little guy will not the be one to be picked on by others since he has shown he will stand up and fight.

[Hoppy]

Wow, Irene. I love so many of the ideas, especially the throwing the hurtful words in a trashcan instead of in your heart.

[Lady LaRue]

Me too. Those are the ideas that I am not creative enough to come up with, so thanks Irene! :heart: I love those and I will speak to him as soon as he gets home today.

Now for the other end of the spectrum.....Yesterday he came home with a "Proud Parrot" sticker. This is their version of the "Outstanding Student award" which is awarded to children who exhibit extremely outstanding behavior on a given day. He has received it several times in the past but it had indeed been a while. I was pleased but also perplexed at how he could do so well the day after he had trouble.

I agree I would like to have known the seriousness of the pushing incident before we got to this point. One comment on the discipline form was that his teacher said this behavior is "atypical" for him. Maybe she thought last week was an isolated incident. (?) :shrug:

[KIDPOWER]

Maybe someone at the school realized that they should "catch children when they're being good" and decided to give some attention to your son's normally positive behavior.

We tell children that they should discuss with their parents when it is okay to fight back in a bullying incident. While it is true that standing up for yourself might cause kids to leave you alone, HOW you stand up for yourself can make a big difference in whether or not you will de-escalate the conflict or make it worse - and in what kind of trouble you will get into with the school. We teach that fighting is a last resort, when you are in danger and you cannot leave or get help - and then we teach how to fight as effectively as possible. If you escalate a conflict unnecessarily, this can lead to potentially dangerous violence. However, sometimes one physical move can end months of harassment, so we teach different less dangerous physical techniques for a child who needs a way to stop aggressive bullying - such as being trapped in the bathroom.

[Madame Plumpy]

Maybe someone at the school realized that they should "catch children when they're being good" and decided to give some attention to your son's normally positive behavior.

We tell children that they should discuss with their parents when it is okay to fight back in a bullying incident. While it is true that standing up for yourself might cause kids to leave you alone, HOW you stand up for yourself can make a big difference in whether or not you will de-escalate the conflict or make it worse - and in what kind of trouble you will get into with the school. We teach that fighting is a last resort, when you are in danger and you cannot leave or get help - and then we teach how to fight as effectively as possible. If you escalate a conflict unnecessarily, this can lead to potentially dangerous violence. However, sometimes one physical move can end months of harassment, so we teach different less dangerous physical techniques for a child who needs a way to stop aggressive bullying - such as being trapped in the bathroom.


Thank you, Irene.

Can you give us some examples of what you're talking about here? How to fight as effectively as possible and the techniques used?

[KIDPOWER]

Before we practice fighting, we have children practice how to leave, run to safety, and be persistent in getting help. Real fights are dangerous and can get people into big trouble.

You want your children to SHOW you - not just tell you - that they can leave even if someone is insulting or threatening them - even if they are angry, scared, or embarrassed.

Self-defense means that you are not going to fight to get even or to stop someone from getting away with bothering you. Even if someone shoves you, you are safest if you just walk away and get help.

So we practice fighting skills in very specific situations where leaving is not an option, such as being trapped in the bathroom. We have children practice yelling and trying to get out. But if this don't work, with bullying, a good hard kick in the shins, a hit to someone's solar plexus with the heel of your palm, or, if you are in a headlock, a pinch to the upper thigh or inner arm, can cause pain with very low likelihood of causing injury.

If you are in a more dangerous situation, we teach more serious techniques, such as using the heel palm to the face, a snapkick orknee to the groin, an elbow to the solar plexus or head. You can see a video on You Tube about our program from our website at www.kidpower.org