Being taken advantage of by friends and family

[Hoppy]

As women, what can we do to prevent being taken advantage of as a friend or family member? This has been a theme on our board for a bit with several women having trouble. It seems that so many of us have huge hearts and want to help people. But sometimes it crosses the line of helping and becomes detrimental to our own self-esteem and also interferes with our ability to live our own lives. Any advice?

[MIZ]

I think this is a great question/topic Hoppy!!:clap:

[butterflymom]

Im learning myself. BUt if u find any advice on this then post it plz. I've been burnt so bad that im hoping not to loose my love & kindness personality but keep it all balanced and know where to draw the line with people. I dont want to end up cruel and no mercy.

[Semisweet]

This is a tough one. But maybe if we look at things in terms of having an "emotional bank accout". We need to make deposits & withdrawals. It's perfectly okay to help out others, but you need to know these are people who can help you back. There has got to be a good relationship of give and take set up for these things to work. By helping a friend or a family member you "make a deposit" in which you should be able to access later when you need it. No one would even consider putting money in a bank that wouldn't give it back, so think of that in terms of friendship. Don't put emotional effort into something that you won't be able to take anything back from. Friendships and relationships should be give and take. Remember that you have needs to and invest in those friendships with people who are willing to see the value that you have to offer!

:hug:

[cara7166]

Semi,

LOVE this analogy. Just copied & saved it...I need to look back at this one over and over again lol

Thank you,
Cara

[Busty Vixen]

AWESOME analogy Semisweet! :love:

[Geminimomma]

That's a great way of looking at it Semisweet! Thankyou!

[Semisweet]

Uh, I didn't make it up, but I don't remember where I heard it from. :paranoid:

I'm not even sure if it's an actual analogy I've heard or if I'm merging ideas I've heard from years ago. :lol:

But thanks for liking what I've said! I just don't want to take credit if I don't really deserve it. ;)

[KIDPOWER]

What a great topic, Hoppy!

The emotional bank account Semi-Sweet describes is an excellent analogy and comes from one of my all-time favorite books, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey.

We tell our students that we believe that they already know how to be nice and giving and kind, which is great. However, we want to make being nice and giving and kind our DECISION rather than being on automatic pilot and believing that we always have to act a certain way in order to be a good person. We can adjust our emotional distance from someone depending on that person's behavior and on what is in our own best interest. We have to give ourselves the space to figure out what WE truly and what kind of person we want to be rather than burying our needs in favor of others. To take another concept from Stephen Covey, unless something is "win-win" - it should be "no deal."

In KIDPOWER, we say that having healthy boundaries builds better relationships. We practice dealing with different ways that people cross our boundaries so that we can be kind to others while staying true to ourselves. I will post a handout about boundaries for adults very soon.

[raw]

I think that it's also important to clearly communicate what you expect of someone. If you can't clearly and calmly elucidate what you need, then you need to take some time to figure it out and figure out a way to express it.

If you don't then the people in your life are guaranteed to fail you, and that is not necessarily a fair situation to put them in. And it certainly can't be healthy for you, either.

[cheeky]

I try to check myself before agreeing to do something. I ask, "is this really something -I- want to do" If the answer is "no" then I'm most likely getting in over my head and will resent having to do it. I do tend to have a way of over extending myself, and then that "martyrdom" mode takes over, which I hate. So if I do something, I try to do it just because I want to do it. That way, if I don't get a return favor, or a "thank=you" or something, it won't bug me.

does this even make any sense? I should just go to bed, I'm exhausted as I did TOO MUCH this week.

[KIDPOWER]

I agree - we want to take the time to ask ourselves, "What do I want?" "How does this fit into my priorities?" "Is this a win-win situation or a one-sided deal?"

And to give ourselves time to think about the answers and to risk having someone dislike your answer in order to be true to yourself.

[Geminimomma]

I have been learning this more and more. I used to (still do to an extent) soooo much for family members and they would still crap all over me. So now I am very careful in whom I help anymore.