Question

[Libby]

I have young girls who are nice. Which is not a bad thing but they tend to get, bullied is a hard word to use because it is kind of subtle, but bullied into doing things for other kids in their class because they haven't figured out tht it might not be a good thing to do. kwim? How do I get them to not give in to these other kids & do what they want & be able to say no and NOT be then a target for these kids either. Does this make sense?

[ImARebel]

Is there an assertiveness training class for kids?

[*PL*]

I'm waiting to see what is posted for advice - my dd is the same way.

[KIDPOWER]

The best way for children to learn assertiveness skills is to give them chances to practice what to say and how to say it in little role plays so they can rehearse how to handle situations that are relevant to their daily lives. Girls especially, but sometimes boys too, often want to please others, which is wonderful but can backfire. With practice, they can learn how to speak up for their own needs, make taking care of others be a choice, and not be pressured by their peers into doing things that are against their best interests.

KIDPOWER workshops give children practice in how to set boundaries with people they know, as well as how to be safe with strangers. However, YOU can also practice assertiveness in the same way you teach your daughters other skills, using the ideas below.

ASSERTIVE ADVOCACY
(Note: The following is an excerpt from the KIDPOWER Book for Caring Adults, reprinted here by special permission http://www.kidpower.org/RESOURCES/KP-Book.html)

The word "advocacy" is used to mean "actively speaking up for yourself and others." KIDPOWER teaches Assertive Advocacy to people of all ages and abilities so that they are effective in:
* Setting boundaries.
* Getting others to listen to them.
* Asking for help.
* Being included.

I have heard children as young as five and adults as old as ninety complain that the personal safety skills that KIDPOWER taught them didn't work.

They might mumble passively, "I kind of tried what you told me, sort of anyway, and nobody listened. I don't know why. I guess that they just don't like me."

They might grump aggressively, "I did EXACTLY what you said and NOBODY CARED ABOUT ME! They just got mad. I think they hate me, the creeps!"

It is not surprising that HOW we communicate about what we do and do not want is going to make a huge difference in the results we are most likely to have. We can say all the right words, but this often won't work well unless we communicate our boundaries and wishes with an assertive attitude.

The difference between being passive, aggressive and assertive can be learned at a young age-in fact, as soon as children can speak and understand language fairly well. In KIDPOWER workshops, we show children the difference with puppets, stories and role- plays - and then coach them to try out different attitudes themselves.

When we act passively, the message that we communicate to others is, "What I want is not that important, and no one cares anyway, so I might as well give up." Our listeners are likely to agree with us -- that our message must not be that important in the midst of so many other things competing much more persuasively for their attention. People will often fail to notice our message, will ignore it, or will forget it.

Passive behavior includes:
* A soft, unsure voice.
* A hopeless expression.
* Limp or frozen posture and gestures.
* Eyes that are looking down or to the side so that there is no eye contact.
* An apologetic or whiny tone of voice.
* A closed down body that doesn't take up too much space.
* Speaking from a bit too far away to be noticed.
* Waiting and wishing that someone would just know what you want.
* Sighing or shrugging.
* Hesitant, unclear language.

When we act aggressively, the message that we communicate to others is, "You are not going do what I want anyway, and you are probably out to get me, so I am mad at you. You are an awful person." Our listeners are likely to feel attacked and to believe that any message delivered in such a negative way is probably unreasonable. They might avoid us or get angry back.

Aggressive behavior includes:
* A glowering face.
* A tense, rigid posture.
* An irritated or loud voice.
* Jabbing or jerky body language and gestures.
* Strutting.
* Insulting language and loaded words.
* Leaning forward into someone's face.
* Crowding into the space of others.
* Interrupting others impatiently.
* Not listening.
* Acting annoyed or angry.

Whining can somehow be both passive and aggressive. Sometimes, in KIDPOWER classes, we explore this with children. We ask them to use a very whiny voice and say words that would be relevant to their lives: "Teeeeecherrrr! Mooooooom! Daaaaaaaad! Noooooooooooooooo! Stooooooop! That's not faaaaaaaair! Coooooome oooooooon! Pleeeeeease!"

We then ask some leading questions to reinforce our point: "Does that sound like WHINING? Is it IRRITATING? I don't even feel like listening to myself! Do you feel like listening to yourself?"

Instead of communicating with either a passive or an aggressive attitude, both youth and adults can learn how to communicate assertively. Assertive Advocacy means giving others the message that, "Of course you are going to care about what I want once you understand what it is. What I have to say is very important to me, and I believe that you are such a good person that this will be very important to you too."

The behavior that goes with communicating an assertive attitude includes:
* Using body language that is calm, aware and confident.
* Making eye contact. When you want people to listen to you, it usually works best to look into their eyes without staring rudely and without looking away.
* Having a facial expression that is consistent with your message. This means having a neutral face if you are telling someone to stop or a friendly face if you are asking someone to do something for you.
* Using polite language that is both definite and respectful, such as, "Excuse me!" "Please stop!" "I need your help!" "I'd like to sit here too." "I'd like to join the game."
* Making your voice loud enough to be easily heard and positive instead of soft, hesitant, whiny, or angry. Sound firm to tell someone to stop. Sound appreciative if you want help. * Sounding cheerful if you want someone to do something for you or with you.
* Managing space. Move away from someone who you want to stop bothering you. Move closer to someone who you want something from.

Another pitfall to avoid is the Wishing Technique. Have you ever WISHED passively that someone would just know what you want without your having to say anything? Did it work? Did you ever give up and not get what you needed from that person? Did you ever become so frustrated that you blew up at that person aggressively?

Children might need adult help to learn that the Wishing Technique doesn't work most of the time. Children often believe that adults can read their minds. This is logical from a child's perspective, because, especially when children are younger, adults DO anticipate many of children's needs without them saying anything.

Remind children (and yourself) that, "It's not fair to give up on people or to get mad at them just because they cannot read your mind. This is why you need to use Assertive Advocacy to speak up for what you do want and what you do not want."

Most of the adults I know, including myself, will admit to using the Wishing Technique at times or to being passive or aggressive. Remember that the children in your life are learning from the example you set. Model Assertive Advocacy by being both strong and respectful in your communications - and coach children to do the same

[Libby]

Thank you! :D:

[Dream]

Question.
If a child has learned aggressive behavior from birth ,and lived with it for 7 years.We haven't been in this situation for 5 years now.
I'm assuming it will be harder to unlearn it, but am hopeful it is possible.
All of my children have been in counseling.
We no longer live in an aggressive environment.
I have noticed though that as my son enters the teen years his behavior is imitating his fathers' in some ways.
Are there any extra things I can be doing to help him?

[KIDPOWER]

First of all, I am so glad you and your children are safe now and that you have gotten counseling. Being in an aggressive environment at a young age can mean that a child will need to continue to go back into counseling at each developmental stage. This is not because your child is having a set back but because a young person often needs to integrate a difficult time in life at each new stage of development, such as entering the teen years.

Boys in our society are often taught that real men are aggressive. I strongly recommend the video Tough Guise by Jackson Katz because he is a powerful positive role model for being strong and a real man without being aggressive and because he shows boys how this belief is developed - maybe you can get the school to buy it and follow the lesson plans for all their students. You can also look for positive male role models for your son to spend time with - perhaps a Big Brother, a Scout leader, a mentor, a martial arts teacher, etc - someone who can model self-control and being caring and respectful as being what real men do.

I would also make the rules very clear - no being physically or verballing intimidating in our family - and have clear consequences for breaking those roles, perhaps developed with the help of a family therapist. The message you want all your children to have is that everyone in OUR family is going to treat everyone else with respect, kindness, and caring.

[Dream]

I have actually been thinking of getting all of my kids back into counseling. The problem there I think at this point my kids are "counseled out". They have been through court ordered counseling , psych evals, and general counseling. We stopped counseling almost 2 years ago, when we were in a serious car accident. My son almost didn't make it and went through counseling in the hospital.

That said I have mentioned counseling to everyone and this has not been met with enthusiasm.
I may have to find someone new to go to and just bring them.
:shrug:


I am also going to look into that video Tough Guise by Jackson Katz.

[KIDPOWER]

It is normal for people of any age to resist going to counseling. Talking about hard things usually makes you feel worse at first, not better, and who wants that.

So as the mother, it is going to be your job to insist - and to look for someone who is a good fit for your family.

The video is expensive - you might ask the school or library to order it for you.

[Dream]

Thanks I will check with my Library next time we go.

I will also start looking for a good counselor.