A question on bullying

[Melandco]

My 6 year old son was recently the victim of a bully at school. He was unable to identify the child who bullied him as he had never seen the child before so the matter kind of went 'unresolved'. My son then complained of a sore stomach on the following day of school and said that he felt sick and couldn't go.

I can't help but feel that it was a direct result of the incident that had happened the day earlier and want to know how to counteract that if it ever happens again. I'm unsure that my approach was the best way to deal with the situation, I allowed him to stay home for the one day as I felt sorry for him. Would I have been best to encourage him to go to school? Should I have asked him if it was to do with the bullying? Should I have let him stay home?

My son is not a great communicator and is currently undergoing testing for Aspergers, no matter how many times we have reiterated to him that bullying is NOT ok and he is to tell someone straight away, this has not been an isolated incident.

I thank you in advance for any help or advice you can provide.

[ImARebel]

I probably would have wanted to do the same thing. But, we have a "rule" that if you don't have a fever or vomiting, you go to school. Robbie had a problem with bigger kids calling him names, but I spoke to the parent and it stopped. My boys know that they are supposed to tell if someone bullies them. If telling the bully to stop doesn't work and they get violent, they also know they can use their taekwondo to protect themselves.

They are supposed to tell an adult...

[Melandco]

Thats what we told Toby and we continually reiterate to him that he needs to tell a teacher. This bullying incident ended up with him being punched in the back until he fell to the ground and hurt his head and eye...all because this other child accused Toby of hurting another child which he and his friends have stated he did not do. :cry: Toby came home with very visible red marks on his eyelid, brow and under his eye that resulted in me taking photos I was that concerned. While I'm happy with the way the principal has dealt with the matter it hasn't helped Toby deal with this incident and I'm not sure what the best approach to it is.

[KIDPOWER]

No matter what his communication skills are, Toby has the right to feel safe at school.

For a child who thinks very concretely, practice of how to set boundaries, leave, and get help is essential. Because Toby might have trouble generalizing, it is not going to be enough just to tell him. In fact, most children need to practice instead of just being told what they should do.

I used to let my children have "mental health" days when they could stay home from school and they have grown into very responsible adults. Six is not very old and a person of any age who is anxious might well really have an upset stomach.

It is not too late for you to talk with Toby about what happened. You can tell him, 'I've been thinking that it must have been hard for you when that kid hit you. Can you tell me again what happened?"

If Toby can't tell you, why don't you tell him? Make up a story similiar to what happened to him either from your own childhood or by acting something out with his toys. Discuss feelings that you or your "actors" have of being angry, lonely, and scared when someone hurt them and the adults weren't able to help.

You might have the principal and teacher both tell Toby that he (she?) wants him to feel safe at school and that Toby can come and ask for help anytime he needs to.

[Melandco]

Thanks very much for your very sound advice. I will certainly be discussing this with my son again as I am concerned as to what would happen if this came about again. The principal has spoken with a number of teachers who work with Toby and advised them that it's important to probe Toby a little when in this sort of situation. When this incident happened and the teacher asked how he got the marks on his face, he told them he fell and hit his head....didn't tell the teacher that he had been punched and pushed.

I hate having to deal with this sort of stuff with my precious boy! :cry:

[KIDPOWER]

One way to help children to integrate ideas is to help them to make their own little book about a problem. This is very simple - just fold a few sheets of paper in half and staple them down the middle. Tell Toby you want to help him make a book about bullying because his safety is very important to you. Have him involved, but you be the one to take leadership on this.

Make one thought per page that you can illustrate with stick figure drawings that Toby might color in or let him make the drawings himself. Be sure to have a happy ending.

You might title it: Toby's Book About Bullying.

The plot for a six-year-old who thinks concretely and who has both parents in his life might be,

1. Toby got hit at school by a boy he didn't know.

2. His head and face hurt.

3. The teacher asked him what happened but he didn't know what to say.

4. His mom and dad were worried.

5. Everyone wants Toby to be safe at school.

6. Next time a kid tries to hit Toby, he is going to put his hands up like a wall, take a step back, and yell "STOP!"

7. Toby is going to leave and tell the teacher.

8. The teacher is going to listen and help Toby be safe.

9. Toby's mother and father love him and want him to be safe no matter what.

10. Toby is proud to know how to keep himself safe!

[Melandco]

Thank you so much, that would be perfect! I really think we're going to give this booklet idea a go. I really appreciate all your help on this one. Obviously it's been a huge concern for me and not something I want my son to continually go through.

I love the constructive advice we're getting given here. :love: