Being left out

[MIZ]

We live in a very clique-y neighborhood, and at our bus stop there are 3 kindergarten girls, my daughter and 2 other girls. The other 2 girls are best friends, and the moms are pretty much inseparable too.

So my daughter gets noticably left out, a lot. I try to use it as a lesson to her, to remind her how SHE feels when D&E leave her out, to teach her to make sure SHE doesn't inadvertently leave a friend out if a group is playing.

I have tried to direct my child to other friends, have tried to have one-on-one playdates with these girls, but it is apparent that their parents aren't doing anything to attempt to rectify this situation, either. In a separate incident, I found out yesterday that one of these girls pinched my daughter on the leg while they were riding the school bus, and I went to the mom and we asked ALL the girls about it and we found out it was completely unprovoked. The mom made the girl apologize, but then said to ME "Why does A keep coming back to be friends with them if they are mean to her?":eyepop: Ummm, because she is an innocent, forgiving CHILD??:disgust: So you see where I won't get anywhere with the parents on this... And these kids are always outside in our neighborhood and my child wants to play with them. I am always outside with her, but I am not hovering much because I need to stay closer to my 3 year old. If you asked my daughter who her best friends are, she will say it is these 2 girls.:( She does have some social delays that do cause her to miss social cues, so that is part of it too, but what can I do to protect my child's self-esteem so that she doesn't keep going back for more?

Any suggestions?

[Happybutt]

It sounds like you are doing all that you can right now.

A friend said something to me the other day that makes so much sense and I try to remember it but it is hard. It is something I would like to teach my kids to but I am sure a kindergartner wouldn't care much for hearing it:lol:

It is something to remember through the years though. When someone has an issue with you it is thier issue. It is their problem, it is not something wrong with you or what they are doing but with them.

[cheeky]

I have no advice, but I'm so sorry your dd (and you) have to endure that. It's no wonder the girls are the way they are though with the parents being the way they are.

I'm so lucky the moms at our bus stop always make all the kids play together. Some are better friends than others, but they always play together.

[Graceysmum]

That is crap!! I know what you mean though......we have some of that in the group of girls my oldest is with at church. VERY cliquey. But then, so are their mom's. :shrug:

[MIZ]

The funny thing is, ONE of the mom's went through such a rant with me right before school started in Sept about how she wanted to keep her DD away from the other girl because she was such a bad influence and wasn't nice and how she saw her DD's personality change because of spending time with her, and blah blah blah. This is the mom of the girl who actually pinched my daughter, by the way. So I *know* she is aware of these types of issues. But it's almost like they've just given up and figured "Well, this is the way it's going to be so your kid has to get used to it." At least that is how it feels sometimes.:(

And I keep picturing myself having a conversation with that mom and bringing up how SHE felt when she saw her daughter not being treated fairly, but I know she is just going to play dumb and attempt to turn it all around on me, again, which is pretty much EXACTLY what she did when I approached her about her daughter pinching my child for absolutely no reason. And the truth is, if we weren't neighbors, I would most likely NOT BE FRIENDS with these people because I find some of them to be really closed-minded and, quite frankly, bigoted. But that is another issue entirely (sigh).

[KIDPOWER]

It's very hard for children when their neighbors are not able to be safe friends. Of course your daughter wants to play with kids her age!

As hard as it is, this is an opportunity for your daughter to grow in her "People Safety" skills of assessing the behavior of other people, getting help, and finding other friends. . Make a list with your daughter of what kids do when they are being safe friends and when they are being unsafe friends. Teach her how to set boundaries in a strong assertive way when someone is being an unsafe friend - and how to leave and get help. If a girl is mean, your daughter can learn how to throw the hurtful words away, to walk away and say, "I'm sad you feel that way because I like playing with you when you are in a good mood. I"ll talk with you later. Good - bye!"

See if you can join a youth group of some kind to expand your daughter's social circle so that she develops other friends.

[*PL*]

gosh this sounds soooooooooo familar. My dd is 10 now - and all that started when she was in kindergarten. It goes on and on and on Miz - I'm sorry. I have no clue what to say except keep pumping her self esteem and don't let her see anything bothers you - she'll start to feed off that that.

Even if your daughter did not have social delays - it would still happen. Little girls can be little bitches.

My dd wears her heart on her sleeve and sometimes my heart breaks for her when little girls mistreat her. :(

[KIDPOWER]

As someone who was shunned by a group of girls myself from kindergarten through the fifth grade, I am sympathetic with how upsetting this is. As parents, it is normal to feel frustrated and angry any time there is a threat to our children. Sadly, our culture does not give girls or boys enough good models for being caring, courageous and strong. Being mean is too often shown as being funny or cool.

Too often girls and boys make themselves feel important by leaving others out. Unfortunately, adults do not have the skills to intervene and find ways to make everyone feel important by being proud to be inclusive and to have effective tools for working problems out in respectful ways. Adults at school and at home need make it clear that bullying, whether it is emotional or physical, is just as unacceptable as taking a rock and throwing it threw someone's window.

[carolacrunch]

Brett also misses social cues and tends to be left out. Up until last year, when you asked him who his friends were, he would say that he didn't have any :( Last year, he finally found himself a little friend.

[Magnolia Mama]

My son went through something similar. I would see him cry every day because there was this particular group of boys he really wanted to be friends with and they wouldnt give him the time of day. I just kept reminding him that he was special even if those boys didnt see it and tried to be a shoulder for him to cry on. It sucks that that happens.

[raw]

MIZ, I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

Emotional bullying is so difficult to combat. That being said, you also have proof that this seems to be escalating. Frankly, I would talk to the school. The mom will probably tell you, "it was just a pinch." But the fact remains that she got away with the pinch. Will she get away with the slap? The hair pull? The punch?

The fact remains that this was done intentionally to undermine your daughter and to hurt her, and that is NEVER acceptable.

[MIZ]

You know raw, I was mulling over whether or not to talk to someone at the school about it. Because DD is on an IEP I was thinking I'd start with her case manager. Again, I don't want it to get blown out of proportion because 1) I already discussed it with the parent and she did address her daughter about it in front of me and 2) we have to live here and I don't want it to get WORSE. But the mom did say in front of me that any physical contact is completely unacceptable.

And I know my daughter tends to bug them. She tries so hard to make them laugh by making silly faces and silly loud noises. I have explained to her that 1) it's not HER job to make people laugh and 2) her actions are having the opposite effect, she is annoying them.

But the little girl said "A was mean to me" as an excuse for pinching but when asked exactly WHAT SHE DID that was "mean" no one could come up with an answer. They all shrugged and said "I don't know." Like this::dunno:

But thank you for all the feedback, and Irene, thanks for giving me a tangible action plan I can start working on at home.

[raw]

A is special needs. No, she doesn't pick up on social cues. Yes, she bothers them sometimes.

But it's infuriating to me that the parents of these girls don't use this as a teaching moment for their daughters- about differences, the need for empathy and compassion, etc. I guess these apples don't fall far from those trees, do they?

I know your daughter. She is a beautiful, wonderful little girl. You don't want to make it worse for her, but if the parents aren't going to teach these lessons then maybe it's time to let the school try.

[MIZ]

Well, I am going to call her case manager on Monday morning and discuss the best way to handle it. At the very, very least I am asking that she no longer sit across the aisle from these girls on the way to school. There are 2 girls she rides home with that aren't on the bus on the way in so there doesn't seem to be the same dynamic on the ride home, which is great.:D: I'm going to drive her to school until this gets resolved, though.

DD has met some REALLY nice friends through a special cheerleading group that is for children of ALL abilities and disabilities. She also is in Daisy's, and though these 2 girls are also in her troop, the leaders REALLY go out of their way to ensure that the girls don't leave each other out, and to make sure that they always sit next to different people at each meeting.:)

DD also knows that we are going to get her seat switched on the bus and I'm asking her if there is anyone she WANTS to sit with, then she tells me she wants to sit with these 2 girls.:rolleyes: Right after I told her we should move her away from the girls. But apparently there is a new boy on the bus so maybe he is looking for a seatmate?

Gosh, it's much, much harder going through this stuff the second time around.:cry:

And we'll work on the list you talked about, Irene.:D: We'll make a list of the safe and unsafe behavior with friends, as well as working on visualizing throwing hurtful words away. I am so glad I posted this. I have been stewing and stewing about this and it gave me such a wonderful opportunity to vent AND to get some really positive, proactive, tangible advice to move forward with. Instead of visualizing how I want to go and turn a parent into a chewtoy;) I can spend my time in a positive light, working with my daughter on how to deal with these situations on a day to day basis.:heart:

[KIDPOWER]

It IS sad and children need to learn how to protect their feelings. We teach children to throw the words, "I don't want to be your friend" into a trash can and then put their hands on their hearts and saying things like, "I"m proud of who I am. I love myself. I will find another friend." Often kids want to belong to the group of kids who seem to be doing lots of things - but those are also the kids who might be most likely to leave others out. Instead, adults can encourage children to approach a child who is alone and make friends with each other and find fun things to do. It is important to learn that not all that glitters is gold - and many children are diamonds in the rough.

[cheeky]

you know this makes me so happy to hear. it's what gs is all about! being a sister to every gs. She also is in Daisy's, and though these 2 girls are also in her troop, the leaders REALLY go out of their way to ensure that the girls don't leave each other out, and to make sure that they always sit next to different people at each meeting.:kumbaya: (i can't find the scouts smilie)

[MIZ]

Irene, can you recommend a book I could read WITH my daughter to help her see the difference between safe friends and unsafe friends?

[KIDPOWER]

What kinds of books, TV shows, or movies does your daughter enjoy?

[MIZ]

Right now she is really, REALLY into Hannah Montana. But she also likes Disney Princesses, and all the Disney movies. She does label certain things "babyish" like Sesame Street and a lot of the playhouse Disney and Noggin stuff.

We do have this book: http://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Friend-Friends-Families/dp/0316111538/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1205718889&sr=1-1 by the author of Arthur and I dug it out to reread to her this week. But if there are any other books that would touch on this subject, I'd greatly appreciate any recommendations.:)

[KIDPOWER]

I have found that using characters that children already enjoy for discussion is the most effective way to build their understanding. So, I would suggest you look at what the wonderful examples in Hannah Montana, the Disney movies, etc. for when the children (or teens or adults or animals) are being Good Friends, Annoying Friends, Unkind Friends, and Unsafe Friends. You can then apply these ideas to your daughter's daily life and help her to create a book or even a little video of her own.

This might be something you do just in your family, or that you have the Daisy troop do as a project - or that your daughter's class does.

The little book idea comes from one of my colleagues, Phyllis Rothman, LCSW, who used to consult with the Early Childhood Center at Cedars Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles.

To make a little book, fold a few sheets of paper together and staple down the middle. Put one thought per page illustrated by photos that your daughter, or perhaps this could be a Daisy troop project, act out - or by simple drawings.

YOu could use photos acting out different ideas or make simple drawings:

Title: _________ (your daughter's name or her Daisy troop's name) Book on How to Be a Good Friend

Sample plot with some of these ideas having two drawings or photos showing the NOT This/Do This contrast.

1. Life is lonely when you don't have good friends.

2. Good friends welcome you instead of leaving you out.

3. Good friends listen patiently instead of acting silly to get attention.

4. Good friends take turns at doing what is fun and at doing what is work.

5. Good friends are kind and do not call people names or say hurtful things.

6. Good friends stand up for each other when someone else is being unkind.

7. Life is more fun when you are a good friend and when you have good friends.

I agree that the Girl Scouts are great, having been a Girl Scout myself from the Brownie's all the way throught Senior Scouts, a Scout Camp Counselor, and a Girl Scout leader for many years. Again, perhaps creating this book could be a Daisy's project with all the girls contributing.

I'll ask some of our advisors for favorite books on friendship! We do have a Safe Friends/Unsafe Friends cartoon in our FULLPOWER Safety Comics for teens and adults, and we are adding this to our KIDPOWER comics as well.We do have a section on bullying that shows what to do if kids are being left out.

[cheeky]

Miz, look into the American Girl books too. They may seem a bit old for her now, but they may help you talk to her about some of this stuff. I've found them to be very helpful

[Busty Vixen]

http://www.kidpower.org/store/index.html

MIZ- Have you checked out their KIDPOWER store? There are coloring books and comic books.

I am ordering some for my nieces & nephews- they are young and have had no issues yet. But, I think it's a great proactive measure to take.