No friends?

[wittymomma]

Hi!! My son is 10.. he has NEVER had a friend that I can remember.. Mainly because he likes to be the class clown... He loves to make people laugh and half the time he does it by making himself look stupid...

The other day we were trying to come up with a myspace/hotmail name for him and I am stumped.. (still am LOL)

SO I asked him What do your friends call you.. he said most just call him Ricky but a few of his friends call him stupid and idiot... names like that.. I had a long talk about how those are NOT his friends and I do not think he heard a WORD I said...

So my question is basically do you have any advice on helping him Get friends or fitting in?? I guess it isnt really Bullying even though they do bully him by getting him into trouble, calling him names.. making fun of him that kind of stuff. But he hasnt came home beat up (yet) ...

Ty for answering our questions!! Great to have someone to come to!

Misty

[KIDPOWER]

HI, Misty,

I am sorry that this is happening for your son and glad that you are thinking about how to help him. From what you write, your son has learned a way to get attention that works for him by being the class clown and letting kids push him around and call him names.

Start with what is working well from your son's perspective. It's wonderful that he has a sense of humor and is able to laugh at himself - most great comedians do the same thing.

Getting kids who have found a role that works for them to listen is just about impossible.

Instead of trying to get your son to agree with you, you can make a clear statement about your own values, even as he looks annoyed and rolls his eyeballs at you, by saying something like, "I am glad that you have such a wonderful sense of humor and like to laugh. However, I am learning that putting down yourself or being put down by others can be like emotional pollution - it won't kill you right away but it can make you feel bad about yourself whether you realize it or not. You are the most important person in the world to me and I want you to learn how to be with friends in ways that don't create emotional pollution. It is hard to change once you've gotten comfortable with a certain way of being, so we are going to practice what I want you to say when friends call you names and I want to see if we can find places where you can have safe friends."

You can educate your son about the difference between safe friends and unsafe friends by discussing different kinds of safe and unsafe behavior. You can coach him to practice saying, "Please stop. That's a put down. Yes, I know I laughed before, but I want to change how I am with my friends so that we can be respectful to each other instead of putting each other down."

Because people hate being told what to do, you can practice different kinds of negative reactions kids might have and help your son practice how to persist in setting his boundaries.

You might also try to find another child to invite over and build a friendship - or have your son join a group where the adult leader sets a good example and insists on respectful behavior between children. Look for a good leader and activities that your son might enjoy such as Scouts, the YMCA, a martial art, or a painting class.

This book also has some good ideas:
Good Friends Are Hard to Find: Help Your Child Find, Make, and Keep Friends
by Fred Frankel

Good luck!

[raw]

Just because he's not beaten up does not mean that he is not being bullied. Emotional abuse is just as dangerous, even if it doesn't leave visible scars.

If your husband were calling you "stupid" or "idiot," or calling your son those names and making fun of it, you would consider it emotional abuse. It's no different in my mind.

Enlist the help of the teacher. Let her know what you've seen and heard and see what she says. Maybe volunteer in the classroom for a bit, so that you can see for yourself what kind of learning environment it is.

I'm sorry that your son is going through this.

[Melandco]

I'm really struggling with the posts in Kidpower...it's wonderful to have this outlet and get the advice of some wonderful people but it saddens me to see how prevalent this sort of treatment of our children is. :cry: Children can be so freaking nasty. :disgust:

[KIDPOWER]

It is not that children are inherently nasty. In my experience, adults taking powerful respectful leadership can turn a child's behavior around in a short time. Most children have an enormous capacity to be loving and respectful, but they need adult help to manage the issues that get in their way.

The problem is that our society does not yet make People Safety a priority. We have a much better agreement as a culture about the importance of adults taking direct quick consistent action to teach children about Water Safety, Fire Safety, Food Safety, and Car and Bike Safety. If we left children to their own devices in these areas, they might drown, get burned, poison themselves, and get hit by cars. This is not because children are intentionally destructive, but because they aren't born knowing how to be safe. We need an agreement as a culture about what People Safety means and support for adults on how to intervene respectfully and effectively to guide children in learning these values and skills.

There's a lot of free information on our website at www.kidpower.org including our What Is People Safety? article at:
http://www.kidpower.org/ARTICLES/people-safety.html

[Chocko]

KIDPOWER offers courses on how to keep our children safe. There is a wealth of information on www.kidpower.org - The link will help you find a center near you.

http://www.kidpower.org/LOCATIONS/Centers.html

[wittymomma]

Thank you guys for your replies!

This year of course ricky is now 11. He already ran his mouth at school and 3 boys jumped him in the locker room. he was fine. He got suspended for 3 days. I have talked to everyone at school about talking to him but they dont seem to be listening...

He just doesnt care.

I dont get it.

Esp because me & his step dad are VERY emotional people lol. We both cry at everything & we are always talking about our feelings as a family. Ricky just doesnt seem to care...

Can he have no emotion? I mean that sounds bad but he didnt even cry when he was a newborn for a LONG time.. Tear wise.

I dont know... just wanted to update a bit. I am around if anyone wants to talk.

[3babesandadad]

i'm trying to figure out why he got suspended for three days if THREE other boys "jumped" him in the locker room! I mean... kids talk crap, especially boys.. but when their peers lash out at them because of their mouths... I just don't see why HE was punished. Please tell me the other three boys were suspended for a lot longer.

[wittymomma]

Nope they all got 3 days... I guess from what I Understand was that ricky was trash talking them basically & the kid chest bumped Ricky & ricky pushed him out of his face. and then the other kids started throwing punches...

Now the day or two before. 3 kids on the bus (they claim Not the same 3) hit him with their belts & fists & stuff. the bus driver wasnt going to do anything till I pitched a fit & they got suspended for 3 days from the bus.

SO I think it is all related but......

Oh and the first kid (the biggest one ricky messed with) tried to start something the other day too but the teacher stepped in this time & Stopped it. Not sure if he got into trouble or not. Okay. . ricky said that the other kid got written up. Not suspended for the second time.

[3babesandadad]

i'm no expert, but I would say it sounds like Ricky's the one being the bully, and instigating fights....
my only suggestion would be to go to the kidpower website and see what you can read about your kid being the bully.

Good luck sweetie.. my kids are still too young for this thank goodness... so I hope you can find some answers. :squish:

[wittymomma]

Yup.. we think it is more that he doesnt Realize somethings he says hurts people kwim?

I can sit there and tell him how bad it hurts peoples feelings and he doesnt ever show any remorse...

I know he thinks he is being funny but... I will go check out that site ;-)

[KIDPOWER]

Dear Witty Momma and others,

I'm just back from vacation and catching up.

I am sorry that Ricky is having such a hard time at school.

There are some good ideas about building strong relationships as our children get older in an excellent book called Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers.
http://www.gordonneufeld.com/book.php

Another very useful resource is the book Good Friends are Hard to Find: Help Your Child Find, Make and Keep Friends by Fred Frankel, which has lots of tips that are relevant for helping children from four to twelve to establish and keep good friendships.

You are doing the right things by treating what is happening with Ricky as important and by supporting your son in being safe with himself and others.

Are there areas in his life right now where relationships are going well? Any things he enjoys doing with you? Any places where he does enjoy being with his peers?

If so, you can build from there. If not, then finding situations and activities where Ricky can enjoy positive mutually respectful relationships is going to be crucial. If things don't get better, please consider counseling. Often the pre-teen age is a time when emotional problems surface or get bigger and some professional help now could be hugely beneficial in preventing more serious problems later.

Hope this helps,
Irene from Kidpower

[wittymomma]

well he likes the youth group at church & we do our best to get him in it as much as possible (plus the church will pick them up) One of the men at the church took ricky under his wing too & gave him his number to call if he needs anything but so far ricky hasnt used it...

I am not sure when the last update I gave was but so far this school year he has been suspended 3 times already.. all for fighting. the last 2 were in consecutive weeks... (meaning he was suspended Wed, thurs, friday... went to school on Monday, got into a fight... went back to school on tuesday (the fight was at the bus) and ended up suspended wed, thurs & friday again... this week (yesterday) was the first day back since...

He goes to theropy on thursday.. for some test? then he will start seeing someone I hope. The school also said next time she might call the cops on him & have him taken out in handcuffs... to try & scare him out of being bad.

We will see....

[KIDPOWER]

Dear Witty Mama,

I really hope you will be able to get your son into therapy. Often children with wonderful parents still need extra support in dealing with frustration and with peers in ways that are neither aggressive nor victim-like.

I don't think it works well to try to scare children into being "good" - it just makes them feel more isolated and resentful.

Instead, the school needs to be figuring out what kinds of resources will be most helpful to your family in supporting your son to develop tools for being both respectful and powerful to others and to himself, no matter what kinds of frustrations he has to face.

Good luck with everything!

Irene from Kidpower