Trouble Asking for Help

[KIDPOWER]

Many people of any age, myself included, don't like to ask for help. We'd rather be the ones giving the help than the ones needing the help. And it's often as if the more we need help, the harder it can be to ask.

One of the reasons I love UoMom is that this is a safe place for parents and caregivers, especially mothers, to connect and support each other. But we all also need and deserve connection and support in our own homes, neighborhoods, and communities.

Most (but not all) younger children will easily ask for help. As they become older and more independent, many children define asking for help with "being a baby" and will resist.

I'd love to know what other's experiences are about asking for and getting the help you need - both for yourself and for your children. Everyone deserves to have the listening, ideas, compassion, expertise, and perspective of others in dealing with life's problems.

[Dream]

You are right asking for help can be difficult. I reached out and asked for help when it came time to get out of an abusive marriage. I was scared and felt alone. Thankfully there was a group in my area that helped me out. They went to court with me and provided support.I am really grateful that there are organizations like this out there.

[KIDPOWER]

I am thankful too - and so glad you got the help you needed and deserved!

[Lady LaRue]

I don't do well with asking for physical help with things. Information or advice, no problem. But if I needed someone to help me do something personally, I could never ask. I think it comes from too many times of being turned down by my mother. I'm not talking about money, either. I"m talking about picking up the boys after school or helping me get my car out of the shop or taking one kid somewhere while I get the other one to an appointment. I don't like rejection and I've felt it too many times from her. I'd rather not ask and suffer through it alone. I really don't want to be a burden on someone or have someone think badly of me for needing the help. So I just won't ask.

[Melandco]

I don't do well with asking for physical help with things. Information or advice, no problem. But if I needed someone to help me do something personally, I could never ask. I think it comes from too many times of being turned down by my mother. I'm not talking about money, either. I"m talking about picking up the boys after school or helping me get my car out of the shop or taking one kid somewhere while I get the other one to an appointment. I don't like rejection and I've felt it too many times from her. I'd rather not ask and suffer through it alone. I really don't want to be a burden on someone or have someone think badly of me for needing the help. So I just won't ask.
Exactly this. :ita: I have a relatively good relationship with my own mother and love her to death, but I accepted a long time ago that my mother feels that she has raised her family and gets resentful if I ask her to take some time out of her life to help me with my children. I now no longer ask her for help as I can't deal with being made to feel guilty and getting the big *sigh* when I ask. I also get the old 'I've been there done that', comment often. Lies, yes my dad worked long hours but he was home every afternoon at 4:30pm and in the weekends...I'm dealing with a situation that leaves my childrens father home with us only 9 weeks of the year. It's null and void now we live in a different country to my mum now anyway, but I remember telling her we were moving and she asked me however would we cope without her help and I almost bust out laughing. :lol:

I've learnt to stand on my own two feet, rely on nobody and just cope...sometimes this isn't easy but it goes against the grain to ask others for assistance, even though I'm the first to offer when others need help. I'm unsure I could 'retrain' myself to ask others for help as it comes across as a sign of failure to me to need other peoples assistance on certain things. :dunno:

[KIDPOWER]

I also used to be the one who helped everybody else and hated to ask for help myself. I enjoy helping others when I can, but one-sided relationships between adults tend to become out of balance over the long run. You can accomplish less and at times feel very isolated even when surrounded by other people when you are the one doing most of the giving and very little of the receiving.

The pain of feeling shamed and rejected about asking for help in the past, especially from loved ones, can lead us to make symbols out of what it means to ask for certain kinds of help - and this can deprive us of the possibility of getting the help that would make our lives easier and more joyful right now. By not asking, we also deprive someone else of the joy of being able to give. The negative symbols our culture often ties to asking for help are: being needy, being weak, being a failure, being embarrassed, or being a bother. The positive symbols our culture often ties to NOT needing help are: standing on your own two feet, being strong, and being independent.

The healthiest cultures foster interdependence rather than either independence or dependence - this means that people help each other out when they can while also taking charge of knowing how to meet their own needs. Reciprocal relationships are far stronger and more joyful than one-sided relationships for the long run.

It's a question of balance. There are some people who are into a pattern of "learned helplessness" where they are constantly being needy. Their way of asking tends to evoke both guilt and irritation. Their challenge is to learn how to figure out how to help themselves rather than feeling and acting helpless. Our challenge in dealing with someone like this is in not getting sucked into spending a lot our our own time enabling someone to be dependent and needy.

We often associate asking for help with not wanting to be super-needy. We need to remember that asking for help appropriately is a way to build reciprocal relationships and to give others the joy of giving.

HOW you ask for help is important. If you are so uncomfortable that you sound apologetic and uncertain, you are more likely to be rejected. One of KIDPOWER's important advocacy skills is: Keep asking until you get help! We teach our students to stand tall, reach their hands out like a bridge, and say in a respectful powerful voice, "Excuse me. I need help." Or, "Excuse me, I'd like to join you." When people are asking someone who is supposed to be helping or including them, we have them practice persisting in the face of rejection.

In situations where helping is NOT the other person's responsibility, we have students practice asking in a way that does not evoke guilt but that is motivating by saying something like, "If it works for you, it would be a huge help for me if you could pick up the kids today." We also have students practice saying, "Sorry, no!" without feeling guilty. We have them practice accepting a "No" without feeling rejected by saying, "Thank you for being honest about what does and does not work for you."

Our mothers have shaped our world view and usually still have a powerful influence on our lives. However, as adults we get to decide how we are going to approach the world, what we are going to believe, and who we are going to be. If we are lucky, our mothers are the kind of people we love dearly, even if at times they let us down or are unkind and even if they made mistakes that were hurtful to us. Sometimes, if our mothers are willing, we can negotiate different and better relationships with them by speaking up about what is working and what is not working and by asking for what we want. But often we just have to accept our mothers the way they are, be realistic about what kind of relationship with them is going to be healthy for us, and adjust our emotional distance depending on their behavior.

We need to remember that the world is full of wonderful people who are not our mothers. We can learn how to connect with others who share our values, build reciprocal relationships, motivate others to give, and pay attention to meeting our own needs.

This also helps us to set a good example for our own children - of both giving and receiving as being important. As mothers ourselves, we want our children to know that they can count on us. At the same time, we also want to teach our children, as they are able, to do their share in making things work well for everyone. Even if we have to work harder at first to make it possible for our children to be successful in helping, and even if they complain at times, children will be emotionally healthier if they get the chance to help others, understand their responsibilities in helping their family and their community, and feel the satisfaction of knowing that their help has made a difference.

To sum up, we can accomplish more and be happier when we can assess realistically what makes sense for us to do, say no to a request cheerfully without guilt, give generously when it makes sense to do so, ask for help with confidence, accept help graciously, accept being turned down without feeling that we were wrong to ask, and invest our energy and time in building and sustaining reciprocal relationships.

[*PL*]

once at a girls weekend - I was frazzled. My ds was 18 months old at the time - not sleeping well, having seperation aniexty - and my dd was feeding off of my stress. I just started venting around a camp fire and alllllll my friend were totally supportive, reassuring and reminding me "this will pass" - sharing stories of their own.

I went home totally relaxed and ready to face it all again. The power of friends, the power of communication is a good thing.