The Sneaky Bully

[Busty Vixen]

I have a very good friend with a huge heart who has found herself in a predicament with her neighbor.

The neighbor is a Nigerian mother and is always saying, "We all need to help each other out. We all have to raise the children together." Which may be the case in her culture- but it seems to be a one way street.

The first issue occurred one day when "Gloria" called "Sue" and asked her to watch "Bobby" for an hour while she ran to the store. Sue agreed to since Sue's son is the same age as Bobby. Gloria was gone for HOURS. :faint: When she showed up, Sue was frantic and Gloria acted as if there was no problem.

Sue said nothing, and it began a pattern of Gloria sending Bobby over with very little notice to play while Gloria ran errands. When Sue speaks up, Gloria says, "We all need to help each other out! I know you want to help me out my friend!"

Sue doesn't want to lie and say she won't be home when she is. But Gloria will not take no for an answer. If Sue tells Gloria very firmly, "Bobby needs to be picked up in one hour," she is blatantly ignored. Bobby is picked up when Gloria gets back from her errands-whatever time that is.

When Sue DOES lie, Gloria will pick apart the lie until Sue finally just gives in and tells the truth. There's no avoiding Gloria- Bobby goes to school with Sue's son and they live next door.

What to do?

[nunya]

Move? :lol: Sorry, i am no help.

[*PL*]

honestly she needs to get a backbone and say NO - then politely shut the door or hang up the phone.

[cara7166]

I have a really hard time saying no...BUT...at some point I'd get mad, and then my response would be so ugly that Gloria wouldn't have much doubt that I wasn't the doormat she hoped for. Unfortunately, that is how I tend to handle this type of thing. Realistically, I know it would be better to sit the person down and just spell it out for them in a firm manner...but until the dam breaks, I take it and take it and take it. Then they'll never speak to me again (which is generally an ok thing by this point lol)

[Lady LaRue]

It is really hard to be like that when you are talking about a neighbor and your kid is really good friends with her kid. :shrug:

And if I were Sue, I'd be thinking that maybe by doing it (being the good Samaritan) you're really doing the right/neighborly thing. What if Sue doesn't keep the child and Gloria leaves him at home alone because she can't find anyone else? I mean it's not Bobby's fault his mother is an asshat, right?

[KIDPOWER]

One of the three verbal attack triggers that we teach our students to defend against is called, "Take care of me." This is when someone uses your compassion against you and causes you to go on automatic pilot rather than stopping and thinking about what is your best choice. Using labels like, "We all need to help each other out! I know you want to help me out my friend!" is classic. Of course Sue wants to be the kind of person who helps others and is a friend! In a true culture of the kind Gloria is talking about, there is true reciprocity. In fact, people go way out of their way to give back to each other.

It is very hard for people with big hearts (and I bet that includes everybody reading this) to resist someone who asks for help, because being a caring person is integral to your image of yourself.

Given Sue's neighbor, Gloria's, irresponsible behavior, I wonder whether Sue would really WANT to have her son over at this woman's house. It probably depends on how old their sons are, on what kind of child Bobby is, and on what else is happening at that house.

Having a playmate next door can be a big benefit to one's child, as long as this playmate is a positive force and not a negative one. Taking care of a neglected child can be very important, but not at the expense of your own family or your own well-being. There are many ways to do good in the world.

Here are some steps for preparing to set boundaries with difficult people.

1 Decide what you do want and don't want to have happen. Sue needs to make a realistic assessment of what SHE wants to see happen. Being realistic means that, even though she might wish that the problem would go away without her needing to do something (we call this the Wishing Technique and it doesn't work), Sue needs to assume that Gloria will NOT change her ways. Does Sue want to have Bobby over never? Once a week? Tuesdays and Thursdays between 3 p.m. to whenever her neighbor is likely to return?

2. Write out what you are going to say. For example, Sue might say, "I have realized that it doesn't work for me to take care of Bobby. I'm sorry to disappoint you. Good-bye." Or, "I need to take more time for my own family and you will need to find someone else to take care of Bobby. He is welcome to play here on Friday afternoons between 3 to 7, but not more often." Or, "I am willing to take care of Bobby sometimes, but if you are not home by the time you promise to be back, I am going to assume there has been a terrible accident and call the police and report you missing." Or, "There have been too many misunderstandings about when you will be back, so I need to have you put your agreements to me into writing each time you go out and sign this so that will be no confusion. If you are not back no later than you promise to be back, I will be unavailable to you for ANY care of Bobby for at least a month, no matter what the reason." Or, ???

3. Say it out loud, looking at yourself in a mirror, and making sure that you sound and look calm and firm and kind rather than unsure or angry. You might have Sue practice this with you. She can work on getting the language the way she wants it.

4. Write down all the negative things that you are afraid the other person might think, say, or feel. Sue can say these things out loud to herself or to you to help de-sensitize herself to them. Remind Sue that you cannot control what other people think of you or say to you, you can only control your own response. I

5. Come up with non-attacking caring and firm answers to each of the negative reactions you worry might happen and practice saying these out loud, again in front of the mirror. For example, Sue might say, "I'm sad you feel that way. I see it differently." Or, "I understand that this is hard for you, but this doesn't work for me." Or, "That's an unkind thing to say. I hope you will see it differently when you feel better." Or, "We can agree to disagree, but I am no longer available." Or, "I understand that you meant no harm, but it is not okay with me to have you be late or to try to pressure me after I've said no." If Sue wishes, you can practice with her by acting out Gloria's possible negative reactions so she can practice staying calm, firm, and kind.

6. Find a good time and place to talk. Encourage Sue to talk with Gloria if possible at a time when their children are not around. Remind Sue not to try to argue with Gloria or persuade Gloria to agree with her. She just needs to set her boundaries and hold to them in spite of any negative reactions Gloria might have. She can be prepared to end the conversation by saying something like, "Thank you for listening. I appreciate your respecting my wishes in this, even though you wish it were different."

7. Be prepared for a backlash and hold your ground. People who are used to getting their way through emotional coersion and guilt are likely to try again, even if they appear to give in at first. Sue can explain to her son that she likes Bobby, but wants to have time to do things with their family without him there. Sue can keep smiling and saying, "Hello" to Gloria even if Gloria is offended and acts rudely for a while.

Hope this helps. I've found that preparation like this enables people to hold their boundaries in all kinds of other situations - and that they often come up with some completely different and even better ways of setting their boundaries in the moment.

Irene

[Lady LaRue]

.....Given Sue's neighbor, Gloria's, irresponsible behavior, I wonder whether Sue would really WANT to have her son over at this woman's house. It probably depends on how old their sons are, on what kind of child Bobby is, and on what else is happening at that house. If I were Sue, I would NEVER leave my child in her care while I was away or unavailable. :no: I'd take extra steps to make sure Gloria was at least a "nice" (as in nice/caring to the kids) person with a safe home before I would ever let my child go inside her home to play. But again, I'd never ask Gloria to babysit while I was going to be farther away than the next yard, as I would know I wouldn't be close enough to act in the event of a problem.



Having a playmate next door can be a big benefit to one's child, as long as this playmate is a positive force and not a negative one. Taking care of a neglected child can be very important, but not at the expense of your own family or your own well-being. There are many ways to do good in the world. I agree, but if I were Sue I would still feel horribly if Gloria left Bobby home alone. Which she does if she has no one to watch him. :duck: And he gets scared staying alone. :(


Those are great tips, Irene. Hopefully Sue can try them out.

[Happybutt]

I agree, but if I were Sue I would still feel horribly if Gloria left Bobby home alone. Which she does if she has no one to watch him. :duck: And he gets scared staying alone. :(


Those are great tips, Irene. Hopefully Sue can try them out.[/quote]


This is me and this would be why I am taken advantage of so much. I take and take and then explode like Cara.

I agree it is great to help people out but not at the expense of your family.

[KIDPOWER]

The problem with clenching your teeth and building up resentment until you explode is that you NEVER get a chance to be who you want to be. Either you are feeling victimized or you are feeling like you overreacted and behaved horribly.

Being victimized until you explode does not set a good example for your children of self-care - and it makes you unhappy.

It is uncomfortable at first to set boundaries sooner rather than later and to stick calmly and firmly to those boundaries. That's why I encourage people to practice. The benefit is that you feel better about yourself and more in control of your life.

Gloria can take Bobby with her on her errands and she needs someone besides Sue to count on for child care. If Sue is her primary support person for child care, this deprives Gloria of the opportunity to develop other community resources and enables her to continue in behavior that probably makes others resentful as well. In different states, there are different laws for how old a child has to be before he or she can legally be left home alone.

If Sue believes that Bobby is a great person for her son to hang out with and that his presence is a benefit to her family, she can decide to let go of needing reciprocity (because she probably doesn't want child care from Gloria anyway) and let go of resenting Gloria for being so irresponsible - and just let Bobby be with her family. She can tell Gloria, "If you're not back by ______, we'll be out and Bobby will be with us." Or, "If you're not back by _______, Bobby will be spending the night with us since I will not keep the boys up."

But she needs to be able to do this without resentment and without feeling taken advantage of - because she has thought about all her options and is CHOOSING this path as her best choice for her family and her own son, not because she doesn't know how to say "NO!" to Gloria.

Sue needs to be able to feel that she CAN set boundaries with Gloria or anybody else in order to feel good about herself.

[cara7166]

This is really great advice, Irene! I am going to do my best to try to take it next time this comes up, rather than letting it just build up. You are right, neither taking it til you explode or exploding feel very good. Thank you for the advice.

[Busty Vixen]

Excellent advice Irene. :squish: You've been so helpful!

[KIDPOWER]

Thank you! Please let me know how it goes!

[Lady LaRue]

FYI, Bobby was picked up 15 minutes EARLY on Friday by his father. :paranoid: According to Sue. :whistle:

[KIDPOWER]

Great! I still think she needs to be ready to set her boundaries sooner rather than later.