Hurtful Remarks From People You Love

[KIDPOWER]

Do you sometimes feel devastated or furious when someone you look up to or love says something hurtful to you?

I hear from lots of people whose adult family members or friends sometimes make put down remarks or give unwanted advice and then say, "I'm just being honest. It's for your own good." Or, "You are being too sensitive. I was just making a joke!"

Does this sound familiar to any of you? What happens? How do you take care of yourself?

[teachergurl73]

I had this issue for years growing up with my father. I was never thin enough, fast enough in track, not smart enough with all A's and B's. He called me names and said I would wind up barefoot and pregnant without a man to take care of me (he was a major jerk is the nice word I will use). He was hurtful much of the time during my high school years. Once I was in college and working, I pretty much cut off communication with him. Later after college, I tried to re-establish communication, but it all started again. So, at that point, I decided I had to be done with him. I was beginning my own family and would not allow him to hurt my children the way he had hurt me. We have not had anything to do with one another in over 11 years and he only lives 10 minutes from me.


I had to decide for myself that I did not need that toxic relationship and that I did not deserve to be treated that way AND that I had the right to walk away. I have not regretted it yet.

[Lady LaRue]

I do experience this at times and I don't handle it very well. I feel very fortunate to have a couple of wonderful friends that I can call and vent to and they understand and listen and comfort me. One in particular encourages me to look at things from a different perspective and try to get the courage to "close the door" when that hurtful person spouts off at me. I'm still working on taking her advice. But I'm fortunate to have that in a friend. I know some people don't have it and I'm very thankful I'm one of the lucky ones.

But I know having a good friend to confide in doesn't solve the problem. :shy2:

[Hoppy]

I try and confront the person and let them know how their remark made me feel. But, not everyone can feel comfortable doing that. And it took me almost all of my years to learn how to protect myself in that way.

[Busty Vixen]

I like to say nothing and quietly seethe or go cry in the corner until my stomach hurts and I feel like I'm going to puke.

If it's REALLY hurtful (the kind of comment that my step-mom has perfected), then I begin to steadily lose weight due to loss of appetite. Insomnia sets in and my depression symptoms flair. Then a sense of hopelessness and worthlessness sets in.

My step-mom is the only person spiteful enough to bring me to this level of self-hate though. She has refined her skills and brought them to the level of malevolence Hitler was shooting for- but was too kind to actually attain.


With my husband, friends and colleagues, I am a perfectly rational and sane human being. :paranoid: It's only with family that I become a complete doormat/spineless amoeba when it comes to speaking up for myself.

Oh- but I WILL speak up for my children with these same family members; just not myself. :shy2:

[Geminimomma]

Oh yes! I have dealt with this quite often. Especially recently. I find myself stooping to their level and saying similar things and I know that is not right to do either. Now when it comes to my Dad he is ALWAYS telling me to lose weight. Like I don't know I need too!:freakout:

[KIDPOWER]

I really appreciate reading everyone's experiences and ideas.

One of the wonderful things that has come to me with learning KIDPOWER's boundary-setting and emotional safety skills is that things that used to devastate me now make me laugh.

My mother, who is 80, recently was upset because I was late coming to visit due to heavy Friday afternoon traffic. She yelled at me, told me I looked awful, and glared at me furiously. Instead of arguing, which is useless, or getting my feelings hurt because after all I had been stuck in traffic for several hours on my way to see her, I felt very peaceful and calm. I imagined throwing away the hurtful words about how I looked, told myself that being mean was sometimes my mother's way of being worried, and said cheerfully with a big smile, "It's nice to see you too!"

I wish I had known how to protect my heart and my mind much MUCH sooner. I wish that I had known how to stop myself from allowing what someone else says or does from destroying my emotional well-being or from triggering me into reacting in a way that I felt bad about later.

The first job is to take care of our emotional well-being. One of my heros is the psychologist, Victor Frankl. When he was in a concentration camp during World War II, Dr. Frankl realized that he could not change what others were doing - it was just out of his control. But he could control his own response. He became a mentor not only to the other prisoners, but also to the guards, because he was finding ways to make good meanings for himself out of the horrible situation all of them were trapped in. He survived the concentration camp and went on to create a school of psychotherapy out of his experiences, which is called Logotherapy.

Tools that we use to help control our internal response include: our KIDPOWER Trash Can, where you imagine throwing hurtful words into a trash can and then say something good to yourself; the Screen Technique where you imagine a screen between y ourself and the other person so you can take in the useful information and screen out the hurtful words and behavior; and the Emotional Raincoat Technique where you imagine full raingear against a storm and use this to keep yourself emotionally warm and dry while someone is storming at you, while giving peaceful responses back. You have to practice these techniques, but they do help, especially if you can get someone to take on the role of the person who gets to you the most.

The next job is to figure out what do to with respect to the other person. You can practice boundary-setting or deflecting remarks to rude comments, such as "Thank you for telling me." Or, "What is your purpose in saying that?" Or, "What an unkind thing to say!" Or, "We're not going to talk about that right now." Or just firmly change the subject, by saying, "Well, YOU look wonderful!"

It's important to be able to take care of YOURSELF as well as you take care of your children.

Talking to friends in order to get perspective can be very helpful if your friend helps you to let things go and to figure out what to do.

Every situation is different. Sometimes the most healthy answer is to leave the relationship. Sometimes speaking up and being persistent through negative first responses can turn relationships around. Sometimes you can get help from therapy. Sometimes it works to change your own perspective, as I did with my mother.

Irene

[Chocko]

Man's Search For Meaning by Victor Frankl was one of my favorite books. It had a profound effect on how I think about things, even today. I read the book many years ago, I still have my copy. Well worth reading:ita:

[Hoppy]

Irene,

What powerful tools for all of us to practice and use. And hopefully by modeling them, we can impart learning of the tools for our kids. Thanks again. I am glad I read your story about your mother this morning as my mother is coming to visit me today. :snicker: And I will put on my rain gear for sure!

[MIZ]

When he was in a concentration camp during World War II, Dr. Frankl realized that he could not change what others were doing - it was just out of his control. But he could control his own response.This is something I have always known, but in the past year and a half I have put it to work. It is also part of the Serenity Prayer:

"Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

It's my mantra. Amen!!:lol:

[Freebird]

I've been through this a lot with my Mom. Last May she just crossed the line and I finally decided that I just couldn't do it anymore. I've told her that I can't have a relationship with her any longer. It's almost a year later and she will still call and tell me to get over it.

It's really hard.

[KIDPOWER]

Some people are so toxic that the only way to protect yourself is to stay away from them. They might destructive in their intent, do many harmful things, and are hurtful not just to you, but to your children.

Others are reacting out of their own pain and triggers and can have a lot of good to offer in a relationship when they are not being awful. If a relationship is important to you, you can, by protecting yourself and setting strong boundaries, have a positive relationship with someone even if this person is constantly negative and putting you down.

When this person is your parent, it can feel as if the roles are reversed, because you might have better relationship skills than your mother or father - and psychologically, it's normal to expect ones parents to know more than we do. Just as you don't need to take what a child says personally, you can also decide not to take what a parent says personally.

I do not believe that people should have to "suffer through" a negative relationship. As adults, it's important to remember that our other adult relationships are a choice. So, first of all, ask yourself, "What good is there in this relationship? What bad? What good has this person done in my life? What bad? Does the good outweigh the bad now? What would need to change for the good to outweigh the bad in the future."

If you decide to keep a relationship with a negative person, you have to take charge and prepare to protect yourself from that negativity. Your goal is to keep the relationship in the good zone and out of the bad zone as much as possible.

A lot of what you need to do happens on the inside. Many people create misery for themselves and others with either/or thinking; triggers, and symbols.

Either/or thinking is the trap of believing that EITHER I trust you OR I don't, EITHER I love you OR I don't, EITHER I am a good person OR I am a bad person. The reality is that people are more complicated that that. Most people can be trusted for some things and not for others, can be loving in some ways but not others, and are good in some ways and bad in others.

Wonderful people sometimes say terrible things that can cause a lot of hurt in the unprotected. You can learn to adjust your emotional distance from someone who is saying hurtful things so that you are not being emotionally close with your heart wide open when someone is being awful.

Triggers are thoughts, words, gestures, or feelings that cause us to explode inside and they can get create a destructive cycle that takes on a life of it own. When we are exploding, we are not thinking clearly and not emotionally safe. We can learn to take the power out of our triggers by identifying them, writing them down, creating new meanings for them or desensitizing ourselves to them, and replacing them with positive messages for ourselves.

Symbols are statements or other actions that we give meanings to that are bigger than they actually are - there are positive symbols and negative symbols, but the danger is that symbols lead people to skew reality by creating meanings that are incorrect. If my husband doesn't say "I love you" - this doesn't mean that he doesn't love me - but I might decide to make a symbol out of this. If a busy person doesn't get back to me, this doesn't mean that this person doesn't care, even when I'm busy.

Many people who say negative things don't remember what they say and words mean different things to different people. The miracle is that any of us understand anyone ever! It is a huge waste of time to argue about the past. It works better to say things like, "We see things differently. ... we will just have to agree to disagree... we both want a positive relationship so let's work hard on not saying hurtful things to each other... just because I don't do what you suggest doesn't mean that I don't respect you - it means that I see this differently."

Many wonderful people sometimes say terrible things. You can let them know that this is not okay with you and adjust your emotional distance or decide to leave. It's possible to set boundaries in ways that are firm and respectful, "Let's don't go there. We aren't going to talk about this right now... sorry, I need to go now. I'll call you back when you are feeling better."

Just some food for thought.