Not feeling smart

[Libby]

My dd came home the other day with a paper that she did at the writing center. it had a picture of her and she wrote about how she likes ice cream, she is good, she has two sisters and that she is NOT smart.

Nortmally I am just grabbing all the papers & flipping through them to see if there is anything I really need to keep but I stopped & read this one. I am glad that I did. I don't know why she feels this way but she does. I talked to her and she started crying that she is dumb & she doesn't feel smart. dh talked to her also but we are at a loss for what to do or say. We held the paper to bring into our conference with the teacher but unfortunately the teacher is now out sick for the rest of the term. We have an appt to see the principal but I just don't know what to do.
She is a lovely girl, she is smart. she is caring and nurturing. She doesn't listen as well as she should but we are working on that at home & in school.
How can I get her to see herself differently? What can I ask the principal about addressing this in class?

Thanks for any insight.

[Bobsy The Onion Queen]

Did she say why she felt that way?

[Libby]

She felt that she couldn't do the sams things that the other kids were doing, that math was hard, that spelling was hard. It was a litany of things that were hard to do & that she was dumb.
We have a conference with the principal next week about it.

[*PL*]

what grade is she in again? My dd went through the exact same thing around grade 2 and 3 - would cry over homework that it was too hard and she was a dumb girl. Broke my heart. We just kept building her confidence level up by pointing out how bright she was - using examples, etc. We also started really going over math with her - to this day she still struggles with it - but the tears have stopped.

[Busty Vixen]

Libby, it may help for you to show her some papers from the beginning of school- to show her how much she's learned since then. It helped my DD to see that, while there was still a lot for her to learn, she had learned a lot as well.

[KIDPOWER]

First of all, you are doing the right thing by PAYING ATTENTION instead of just indulging in wishful thinking. Like a couple of others, I would also like to know what grade your daughter is in, since how you might make decisions about this would be affected.

Too many extremely bright children struggle in school, because most public schools are trying to meet too many needs with too few resources and heavy sometimes conflicting demands.

The traditional elementary, middle and high school structures are not set up to meet the educational needs of children who have trouble learning by just watching, processing verbal information quickly, high sensitivity to social dynamics that can distract them, or any kind of developmental delay in any aspect of their ability to process and communicate information. This gap has nothing to do with intelligence, but a lot to do with the many different ways that people learn and the very narrow way that many subjects are taught.

Your daughter has the right to believe in her ability to learn and understand. She may need a bridge between the way she learns now and the way that math and spelling and other subjects that frustrate her are being taught. She may also be struggling with having gotten used to one teacher and now having to deal with a substitute.

Going to the principal to see what kind of support the school can provide and to get ideas for how you can help as parents is an excellent step. It's important to know you have educational choices because a gifted teacher can make all the difference in the world - charter schools, other public schools, other classrooms, or homeschooling have all been good answers for some families. You can also give your daughter extra help yourself or hire a tutor (this can even be high school student who is good at the subject).

Whatever else you do, be sure to keep letting your daughter know that, no matter how poorly she does with schoolwork and no matter how unhappy she is with herself, YOU believe that she is very smart and that the problem is not with her intelligence but with the ways that she is being taught. As PL suggested, keep pointing out the specific times when your daughter is successful and keep on finding ways to help her to be successful.

Finding ways to overcome feeling like a failure even when things are frustrating and figuring out how to learn can be skills that will serve your daughter her whole life.

[Melandco]

:cry:I think that just broke my heart....I have no words of advice but good luck Libby, I hope you find some ways to help your daughter see how smart and clever she really is. :kiss:

[Libby]

J is in the first grade. Out of the 2 of them, she has been struggling a little more than her twin sister. The other one, A, goes in fits and spurts that she has a stupid hand (when working on handwriting exercises), she is not as smart as Daniel (who sits next to her & is brilliant by all accords) but then she settles down & moves on. But J seems to have this in her head. We've gone through her work and shown her what she has done. I hang her best work up on the front door, we've talked to her.
I wanted to see the teacher as soon as I got the paper home - mainly to see why the teacher didn't pick up on this but dh said to wait for the conferences. As I said the teacher now is out for the rest of the term so we are gong to see the principal. Which I think might actually be better. I want to see what he says. She seems to have settled down with the remarks and hasn't written about it any more. If she hadn't written this, I wouldn't have know that she feels this way. So I am glad that she wrote it but sad that she felt this way.
I am wondering if she also feels this way because she is in speech therapy & in occupational therapy. She needs these right now & I am loath to remove her.

thank you

[KIDPOWER]

You are doing a great job of letting your daughter know that she is important to you and that you believe in her. It's very hard when children compare themselves, especially to a twin, and when they need extra help such as speech and occupational therapy.

I feel so thankful that we have so many more resources now to help children to overcome developmental obstacles that get in the way of their learning - instead of having them just struggle. You are right that your daughter deserves as many resources as possible to make it easier to her to learn and to communicate effectively.

The reality is that people who have a hard time learning can become exceptional teachers of others because they understand how to explain things clearly. The reality is that many brilliant people might be slow in learning different subjects. My son, who is now getting a PhD in nanotechnology, was a year and a half behind in writing and math when he was six, seven, and eight years old.

The problem is that children who feel that they are different sometimes feel very alone.

Most six-year-olds love stories, especially about their parents when they were young. One powerful way to help your daughter feel less alone is to tell her stories about times when you were a child and you felt as if others could do things better than you did and how you felt bad, but then found out that you were not stupid - just different. If you don't have any stories, come up with some about friends of yours or famous people or movie characters.

One of my favorite books that I used to read my son at age six is called, Leo The Late Bloomer by Robert Kraus. It's about a little tiger who is behind other animals on everything but catches up dramatically. I'll bet it is in your library.

One KIDPOWER tools is to teach your daughter to throw away the word "stupid" into a trash can, and have her say out loud, "I have my OWN WAY of being smart." Or, "I'm a late bloomer like Leo!"

Another tool is to make a fence with her hands and say, "THAT'S NOT TRUE!" in answer to comments like, "You're dumb because you go to a speech therapist.' If your daughter won't do this herself because it's too loaded, you might act it out yourself or with her toys.

The fact that you found out how your daughter was feeling by accident can become a way to make it very clear to her that you think her feelings are important. We recommend that all parents occasionally ask their children, "Is there anything you've been worried or wondering or feeling bad about that you haven't told me?

Hope this helps!

[Libby]

Thank you- you have given me a bit to think about!