3babesandadad
04-23-2008, 03:48 AM
this might be long, so please, bear with me.
My poor daughter, 5 years old. She catches the brunt of my anger. My 3 year old son tends to get a break because somewhere in my mind I can rationalize that he's too young to understand. But for some reason, I just can't get that in my head about her. There's just this part of me that keeps saying "she should know better, she should know better". She's autistic, so her memory is remarkable. But why can't she remember the things she's not supposed to do?
My father, the bane of my existence, ripped my head off over any little mistake I made. So that's where I learned how to "bring up a child".
While I have managed to keep myself from totally becoming my father and beating my children, thank God, I still have trouble with screaming at them-my daughter mainly.
And I try- God knows I try- to take that step back, breathe, and attempt to collect myself, all it takes is her throwing one of her fits and I've lost control over my anger.
It's like the higher her anger rises the higher mine does- and I realize that I'm becoming as immature and out-of-control as she is, and I just can't figure out how to put that roof above my anger-head to make it stop before I scream in her face to "stop it" "quit it" "hush" etc.
And I know she's only learning by example and that drives me nuts too. "mom loses it when she's mad, so it's ok for me to as well" and it's just a problem that elevates and elevates.
So now I've got two problems- 1) teaching myself to quit raising my voice in anger, and 2) teaching her once I've learned how. Obviously I've already taught her it's ok to scream when she's mad- now I have to try and reverse the damage I've already done.
And I've even looked into getting some kind of therapy for myself and for her, and it just doesn't exist around here. Heck, I've got to wait til July to get her into a child behavioral psychologist, and the psychologist that treats primarily autistic children has no openings until the end of the year! It's almost like just because you live in Montana you don't need these services, cause they certainly don't come easy. So I feel like I'm on my own trying to train myself to change- how hard is that one!
I don't want to be my father, and I don't want my little girl growing up to be like me (and him). But it's like I'm a the point now where it doesn't seem like she even HEARS me if I don't raise my voice to her.
My poor daughter, 5 years old. She catches the brunt of my anger. My 3 year old son tends to get a break because somewhere in my mind I can rationalize that he's too young to understand. But for some reason, I just can't get that in my head about her. There's just this part of me that keeps saying "she should know better, she should know better". She's autistic, so her memory is remarkable. But why can't she remember the things she's not supposed to do?
My father, the bane of my existence, ripped my head off over any little mistake I made. So that's where I learned how to "bring up a child".
While I have managed to keep myself from totally becoming my father and beating my children, thank God, I still have trouble with screaming at them-my daughter mainly.
And I try- God knows I try- to take that step back, breathe, and attempt to collect myself, all it takes is her throwing one of her fits and I've lost control over my anger.
It's like the higher her anger rises the higher mine does- and I realize that I'm becoming as immature and out-of-control as she is, and I just can't figure out how to put that roof above my anger-head to make it stop before I scream in her face to "stop it" "quit it" "hush" etc.
And I know she's only learning by example and that drives me nuts too. "mom loses it when she's mad, so it's ok for me to as well" and it's just a problem that elevates and elevates.
So now I've got two problems- 1) teaching myself to quit raising my voice in anger, and 2) teaching her once I've learned how. Obviously I've already taught her it's ok to scream when she's mad- now I have to try and reverse the damage I've already done.
And I've even looked into getting some kind of therapy for myself and for her, and it just doesn't exist around here. Heck, I've got to wait til July to get her into a child behavioral psychologist, and the psychologist that treats primarily autistic children has no openings until the end of the year! It's almost like just because you live in Montana you don't need these services, cause they certainly don't come easy. So I feel like I'm on my own trying to train myself to change- how hard is that one!
I don't want to be my father, and I don't want my little girl growing up to be like me (and him). But it's like I'm a the point now where it doesn't seem like she even HEARS me if I don't raise my voice to her.