Raising hand!!! Pick me Pick me!

[Graceysmum]

Ok. I have a scenario.

We were in a car accident about 18 months ago - and it totalled my car. A guy ran a stop sign going really fast and hit us.

No one was injured - but it hit the side of my van where my youngest daughter was sitting. She STILL is so freaked out about it that she tells us frequently that she never intends to drive. She (:lol:) plans to have her husband drive her everywhere because she never wants to hit anything if she was driving.

I have said all the comforting things I can think to say......but I'm worried about how long she's going to carry this around with her.

Any words of wisdom?

[Dream]

Great topic.

I can't wait to hear advice on this.

[Happybutt]

I never drove until I was 24 years old. My mom never drove and I just never wanted to either. My dad even bought me a brand new truck, which sat in the garage forever bc I refused. I had never been in an accident but my mom had and I think that was her issue.

I had my dh drive me everywhere we went. He would get home from work and have to take me to the grocery store and anywhere else we needed to go. I finally decided to learn after Dh had an emergency and I had to get a friend of ours to take us to the hospital.

I can't believe how all those years I never drove. I go everywhere now and I can not imagine sitting at home waiting for someone to take me. I also try to give anyone who doesn't drive a ride bc I know what it is like.

Dh told me something one day and that is as long as I am careful, you just have to watch out for the other guy. He feels much safer if he is in control. For all she knows her Dh could be a horrible driver:lol:

How old is she? I hope she gets past it, I wouldn't want any teenager to be like I was back then as far as driving.

[Graceysmum]

She's 7 - and it happened when she was 5. It truly scared her SO badly. I think she was just tall enough to be almost eye to eye with the car as it came at us. So I'm sure she saw the impact, ya know?


I'm glad to know that if she does refuse to ever drive, HB, that others are the same. :lol: Because she is adamant. And if you try to 'talk her out of it' - she gets mad and starts crying!

[cara7166]

I am SO glad you brought this up, Graceysmum. My son is almost 20 years old and WON'T get his driver's license. I truly think he is afraid to drive. He's currently living at his dad's and his dad has to drive him to and from work, and has already told him that he won't drive him to & from college too. When he lived with us, we had even bought him a new car and it sat on the driveway for a year with the only times it went out was when we took him out to drive with him. He'd do that, but he would not go take the test...and he would be very argumentative and difficult about driving, period. He's been through driver's ed. We hired a private driving instructor for him. I spent a LOT of time with him as did a friend of the family. He has watched (angrily) as his younger sister got her license & she loves driving, has no problems.

I don't know what else we can do at this point as I can't go take the test for him lol He is bipolar, adhd, nonverbal learning disorder and has a deficiency of dopamine in frontal & temporal lobes...but his psychiatrist says there's no reason why he can't drive. He's very stable on meds.

But he's scared to. And as far as I know, he's never had any 'close call' incident to provoke this fear.

I love my son and I wish so much that he'd be able to get his license so that he could have the independence of others his age. His dad can only do so much for him in taking him places - he has a full time job himself.

Cara

[KIDPOWER]

Dear GraceysMum,

First of all, I'm sorry you had the accident and I'm glad that you are safe!

There are several different issues here. One is your daughter's feelings of trauma from the accident. Another is when it is best for her to learn to drive. A third is when it is best for her to actually start driving. Another is what other forms of transportation are available in your area. And, of course, there is the issue of how safe are the other drivers your daughter might have to depend on if she doesn't drive and how will she know whether or not they are safe if she doesn't know how to drive herself? Or what if someone she loves is having an emergency and she wants to get them to help?

The place to start is not with the logical issues, but with working on healing your daughter's emotional trauma from having been in an accident. It can be very frightening to deal with life's uncertainties and normal to try to make yourself feel safe by putting limits on what you can do or not do.

I would start by acknowleging your daughter's feelings rather than arguing with her current decisions. Listen supportively to her answers without making judgments. You want to be a safe adult for your daughter to come to with her feelings and that means that you must not argue with her feelings or try to talk her out of them with logical explanations.

The reality is that life IS uncertain and being at peace with that reality is hard. We like to believe that we are in charge, and there is a lot we can do to take care of ourselves, but there is also a lot that is out of our control.

You can say things like, "It was very scary when that accident happened. What were you afraid of? .... What did it feel like inside when you felt afraid?..what is it you are worried about when you think about driving yourself? ...."

You might ask other adults who your daughter trusts and likes to spend some time talking with her about her upset feelings. This could be other family members, a teacher, a minister, a friend who is a social worker, etc. etc. Saying things over and over can be a way to release upset, as long as the focus is on helping your daughter to understand her FEELINGS more than on debating any specific decisions she might make for the future. Getting other perspectives can be useful - just like you do here at the UofMom.

Look for role models of kids her daughter's age in movies or books who became very afraid of something because of something bad happening and who found the courage to overcome their fear and do it anyway.

If your daughter stays upset, please consider professional counseling.

You don't say her age, so I don't know how soon the driving issue is a reality. Finding the right teacher can make a HUGE difference - and the range of quality is great. You can tell your daughter that she doesn't have to drive, but that she has to know HOW to drive, because this skill is necessary to be an independent adult in our culture.

Hope this helps! Good luck!

Irene

[Graceysmum]

Thanks Irene! She's only 7 - so we have a very long time until she is even old enough to CONSIDER driving. We have talked thru all the feelings of anxiety about stuff, etc. and she's a smart cookie. She knows she's worrying about something many years from when she has to make the decision - and she'll tell you that. But she just can't let it go yet.

I'll keep reinforcing my love for her, etc. when she brings it up - and I love the idea about books to help her. She LOVES to read...so she'd respond well to that.

:)

Cara - I'm so sorry about your son!!! I hope Irene's suggestions help you too!

[KIDPOWER]

Cara, my heart goes our to you, your son, and your family. Mental illness is terrifying because it feels as if your mind is out of control and might betray you. Not driving might be your son's way of trying to protect the world around him from his illness. Logic does not usually work in trying to manage fear. At age 20, your son would probably benefit from time with a therapist with whom he can discuss his fears and find ways to manage his anxiety in addition to drugs and a support group of people who are going through what he is going through so that he can learn from their strategies. I'll bet there are whole groups on the internet that provide this kind of support but best would be in your community so he can see people in person. There are also different programs in some communities for adult family members to work together in helping to cope with the illness and to make the most of their lives. I think the name of one of them is "The Journey of Hope."

Good luck to all of you.

Irene

[cara7166]

Thank you, Irene...he is seeing a new therapist in the town where he is living, so I am going to ask him if he'll bring it up to the therapist to see if he has any suggestions or if they do have any support groups there that could help.