What Stops Us From Taking Care of Ourselves?

[KIDPOWER]

First of all, I want to thank again those of you who wrote wishing me a speedy recovery from my recent mild stroke. I am feeling much better, and am using this time to get rested up, reorganize my job to be more managable, find more resources, and focus on what is most important.

I am also asking myself why I, the leader of an organization that teaches people how to take charge of their own well-being, was taking such poor care of myself for such a long time, often working 18 hour days, getting only 4-5 hours of sleep a night, and not taking time to eat well, rest, or follow my doctor's reccommendations.

I was so caught up in daily doing of everything requested of me by both my family and my colleagues that I forgot to take a step back and think about what was best for me to be doing. Years ago, I remember falling into the same trap as a mother for a while, doing everything for my children in a way that I suddenly realized was undermining the growth of their independence and wearing me out.

I also used labels to limit myself, saying, "I'm not a pills person" and therefore not taking the aspirin and cholesterol-reducing medication that would probably have prevented my stroke.

So, I am wondering for others - what stops you from taking care of yourselves? What gets in the way? What makes it hard? What assumptions or beliefs limit your commitment to your own well-being?

[*PL*]

First of all - I'm really glad to see you back and in the mindset of taking care of yourself. Keep it up!!

I think mothers in general take on too much. Esp. working mothers. Working mothers still do 99% of the things a child needs done - food, clean clothes, taxiing around, help with homework, etc. - and they also put in a full day of work at an office or whatever.

I think mothers forgot consistently to take time for themselves, and if they do - feel guilty.

I totally need the break for my health and my mental health. So now I take "girl weekends" - or kick everyone out of the house for a few hours to sit and drink tea and regroup.

We need to remember we are still individuals that need time off too.

[Hoppy]

Irene,

I am so pleased to see you here and taking stock of your life. I have been so guilty of that myself. I am turning 40 years old in August. I have definitely not been taking care of myself physically. I looked in the mirror a few months ago and didn't know what I was looking at. Not only was I heavier than ever, but my skin looked bad, my hair lost it's shine, I looked run down. I FELT terrible. So, about a month ago, I started eating a really healthy diet, including so much more fiber/veggies/fruits. And drinking a lot of water. I am looking forward to starting the WOMAN Challenge with UofMom next week to begin a sensible exercise plan.

I know me not feeling good about myself was effecting the way I acted with my children. I was grumpy and miserable. I honestly can say that physically and emotionally I feel so much better. I am now hoping to run a 5K by my birthday, which is in August. A girl can dream, right?

[*PL*]

Hoppy - what day is your birthday in August? Mine is the 6th.

[Dream]

Being a Single parent it is sometimes very difficult to take the time needed.
With my car accident I would and or could have healed a lot quicker but I didn't have the "time". I remember going to my first appointment after being released from the hospital.I had to get stitches taken out of my leg (about 30) and an all clear from the trauma team. I wasn't even "there" I was rushing them so I could get to the hospital because my 11yo was having surgery that morning.
It took me close to 2 years to get my jaw/dental work completed because it couldn't be a priority. I also still need to get a bone stimulator machine taken out of my leg, but haven't had the time. Something always comes up, ie. my daughters surgery.
My children come first, and I know if I don't take care of me then who do they have? This is a very tricky and quite honestly difficult part of being the only responsible guardian with children.

[Hoppy]

Hoppy - what day is your birthday in August? Mine is the 6th.
The 18th, babe.

[*PL*]

The 18th, babe.

I am exactly 12 days older then you ;)

[TNVols]

Hoppy - what day is your birthday in August? Mine is the 6th.


My first ds is on the 6th. What an awesome day!



I am glad that you are feeling better!


I don't have time really is pretty much my answer about not taking care of myself. And my bad thing is that I don't believe in dropping my boys off so I can go out and do something for myself. It is a terrible mindset I know but the guilt I feel the moment I have thought about it just overwhelms me.

Tonight, however, we are going Comedians from the States are going to be on base so they opened up the daycare for the performance. I have been anxious most of the day thinking about leaving the kids so I can go and do this but I will force myself to do so. I haven't been able to come up with any viable excuses to back out yet.

I wish I really had an answer for you question. I just think that it is in-dwelt in mothers (most mothers as my s-i-l only cares about herself but that is a different story) and for fathers it is easier to defer to the mother. My dh knows a lot about the boys and what they need/like but he always defers to me. :shrug:

[Hoppy]

I am exactly 12 days older then you ;)

And 12 days more wise and beautiful. :ita:

[3babesandadad]

I lack the motivation to take care of myself. For me, my time is better spent caring for my kids and husband, I don't have any motivation to take care of myself.
That's why it's so hard for me to start exercising. DH and I TALK about it ALL the time. But what would I do with the kids while I went for a jog? I went for a bike ride with DD the other night- she got a GREAT workout. I, however, barely raised my heart rate.
3 small children just demand SO.MUCH.ATTENTION I feel like my small breaks during the day that I'm on here are more than enough free time for myself. And who wouldn't rather spend 10 minutes on UofMom than doing crunches?

[KIDPOWER]

Like several of you said, I also felt as if everything was up to me, that there was no one to ask, and that no one was going to take care of things as well as I could. Of course, if we try to "go it alone," we are going to not have enough time to take care of ourselves.

However, when I had a health emergency severe enough that I could NOT keep doing what needed to be done by myself, I have had to be creative in finding other choices. I have had to ASK, accept that things could be done somewhat differently but still be good enough, remind people without feeling bad about it, decide that giving someone else the opportunity to help could be beneficial for everyone, and take the risk of being rejected.

I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt who said, "It takes a village to raise a child." Children benefit from having a sense of community in addition to their mothers. They are safer if they know that there are others in their lives who they can really count on in addition to their mothers. Part of our job as parents is to find like-minded people and build a network of support for our children and ourselves.

It is also part of our job as parents to model good self-care for our children. Do we really want them to feel the guilt of our sacrificing our long-term well-being for their short-term convenience? Do we really want them to grow up to be adults who follow our poor self-care examples?

Building a support network requires reaching out to as many people as possible; trusting that rejection doesn't mean your request was not a good one; using your intuition to assess whether or not a choice is working out well; and having clear boundaries about what is and is not okay with you. There might be existing groups that are worth exploring. There might be people who can be asked in a very specific way and who have not offered because you seem self-sufficient and they don't want to intrude, or who defer to you. There might be other mothers who share your values and who are in a similiar situation who can be approached for trading child care. There might be people in your life such as a teacher you respect or a minister who know other families that you could approach.

If exercise is the issue, you can also be creative about using time that is already available to you. Instead of taking an "all-or-nothing" approach, for example, you can do simple stretches, tummy tightening, running in place or walking lifting your legs up high, in short three-minute blocks of time while you are waiting - in line, at the stoplight, for your computer to upload, between answers back from UofMom, etc.

In the short run, building a support network and finding creative ways to use your time might make things harder - but you and your family deserve to have you decide to make your well-being a high priority.