Tip of the Day: May 1, 2008

[Hoppy]

From www.screamfree.com



Quote of the Day: "Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home."
— Bill Cosby, U.S. comedian (1937- )
http://www.screamfree.com/resources/partners/template/images/hal_runkel.jpg Hal's Take: In a jocular way, I often tell seminar audiences that we do our kids a disservice by telling them “You can be anything you want to be.” No, you can’t. As I tell my kids, “You cannot be 25 years old and still living in my house. That is simply not an available career path for you.”
I once worked with a family that had three kids, each four years apart. After each kid left for college, this family actually moved to a smaller house. Like birds pushing their young out of the nest, these parents wanted to clearly communicate that their kids no longer had a home to come home to—they could always visit, but they had to make a new home for themselves out in the world.
Contrast that with the growing numbers of families installing virtual revolving doors into their homes, welcoming wandering adult kids back into the fold. Sure, it’s easy to justify—it’s expensive out there, we miss them, they just need a little more time, whatever. But it’s also indicative that we have forgotten the purpose behind this whole parenting thing; we’re raising adults to leave us and live without us.

Hal Runkel, LMFT, author of ScreamFree Parenting:
Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool.

[Graceysmum]

Wow. That's good advice. I'll have to reminded of that in about 10 years or so.... :paranoid:

[emeraldlady11]

Buy then again, with the cost of food and gas and everything going up and up.....there may come a time when multi generations are living together to just be able to survive. Years ago, that's how live was. In some way's it can be a good thing and in another it's not.

[cara7166]

I'm not sure how to feel about this one. My mother & I had a poor relationship, and the second (I mean the same DAY) I left for college, she boxed up all my stuff, put it out on the driveway and told my grandmother to come get it, and turned my room into something else. It was VERY obvious that I was no longer welcome back there and very hurtful as well.

I will never do that to my kids. My special needs son no longer has a room here (his choice, he took it all with him lol) but if it came to a need in the future, I would never turn him away. My daughter will always have a room at our house. As she gets older, it may become more 'guest roomish' but I'll never make my kids feel like I felt when my mother did that.

[*PL*]

I'm with cara. I totally TOTALLY think a child needs to move out. In fact we are making sure our children will live out of the house for university years - even if they go to school where we live - because we both think its a HUGE eye opening/what the world is about opportunity for them to absorb.

I would allow a child to move back temporarily until they got a job and financially set to obtain an apartment or something - but I DO NOT want an adult child living at home with me with no closure date ahead.

[*PL*]

an example is one of my nieces. She is done college, has a full-time job - lives at home still - in the basement of my sisters home. She has a nice large room, bathroom attached. She rarely leaves that room when she's home (she has a tv, etc. in it). Her contribution to the household is she pays the cable bill. THAT IS IT. Her mom buys all the food and cooks it, does the laundry, pays the bills (except cable) - and my niece has it REAL easy. She has zero desire/motive to move out. And her boyfriend of 5 years is an only child - also living with mommy and having every single thing done for him. They are both totally not growing up.

[Hoppy]

I think there has to be a happy compromise. I do not agree with deliberately shutting out a child. When I got out of college, I could NOT have afforded to live on my own. I was making and was in minimum wage basically, while working my way through Graduate School. I am thankful that my parents allowed me to live with them for awhile and get off the ground. But, I do not agree with children living at home FOREVER, with no contributions to the household and no end in sight. That, I believe does a disservice.

[3babesandadad]

I would allow my children to live iwth me so long as they had a job and paid "rent" and a portion of the bills, and would have to do their own laundry and share the other chores. My idea is to take their "rent" and put it into their savings account without them knowing about it. Then when they're ready to get an apartment or house of their own, I will give them the account to buy furniture or whatever with. Because for me, I didn't leave my parents, and they didn't kick me out, they just left me and my sister, assuming we would just take over the house payments and be able to live together. Suffice to say I was out on my own within a few weeks, living with a boyfriend. And we had next to nothing (a mattress on the floor :yuck: ). I would definately try to use this route as a way to teach my kids the benefit of saving money and the rewards that come about when you do.

[flowerchild]

wow, I don't know what to say about this... as my dh and I have fallen on hard times a couple of times in our years together, and lived with his mom for a while and with my parents for a while (all seperate occurances) but without them letting us stay with them and getting back on our feet, we would have been in a shelter with our family, not knowing if we would be able to stay together (shelters here don't allow families to be in the same shelter... there are womens/men's and women w/children shelters) so it would have been very scary for us....

Now we did contribute to groceries, rent, bills etc.... above and beyond in some instances... but we it was always short term as well.... I could see us doing that with our kids. But what my MIL does with her youngest son.... that is another story!! (27 yr. old man, can't hold a job, doesn't pay anything, and he lives there full time, and has his daughter on the weekends) THAT would not fly in my house!!

[MIZ]

I think there has to be a happy medium. We want to give our children roots and wings, but what if a wing gets damaged? Wouldn't you want to be in a position to help nurture your (adult) child back to health?

When I was 23 I was living on my own in an apartment (shared with two other roommates, though). I was stricken with mononucleosis (sp?), and had to miss a month of work. I was too exhausted to take care of myself, and my disability completely sucked (after that I always paid the highest premium for disability to get more $$ if I had to utilize it). So I stayed with my parents - temporarily - and they helped me out with some bills so I wouldn't get behind. I am so grateful to them for that time.

However, if you are an adult and staying with your parents and they are doing all the things a parent would do for a child, like laundry and meal preparation and cleaning, etc. that is ridiculous. But I would always make my children feel welcome in my house.:lovey: