Personal safety

[Dream]

I'm going back to a place I haven't been in quite a long time.
It's been around 3 years since I gave my Ex a second thought.
It started with a phone call from my mil. My fil is not doing well and wishes to see his grandchildren. I agreed to go at first with an understanding that my Ex wouldn't be there.
After my Ex called my house and I told him 'I don't think so' he was annoyed.(when he doesnt call his kids to see how surgeries and just general health are doing I don't need his calls now.)
I spoke with my mil and she said that 'some people never change'.
This has me thinking. According to her he isn't doing well mentally. Him and his wife are no longer together. He is upset because he never hears from his children. He feels alone and is frustrated.

These are not a good combination of things for him. I find myself worrying what he is up to.
I know I am powerless over his actions and it would take him doing something to get 'help'. This is a guy I had a panic button in my home for. He was known for his crazy violent behaviors.

I guess I'm just putting this down in here so I can get some of it out of my head.

[KIDPOWER]

Dear Dream,

It is important to pay attention to your feelings. One of our KIDPOWER Advisors is a man named Gavin deBEcker who wrote a book called, The Gift of Fear. It's about listening to your intuition.

If your ex-husband has been threatening to you or your children in the past, and has mental problems, and is feeling alone and frustrated, he is a potential danger to all of you.

It is important for you to be realistic, to stay calm, to take reasonable precautions, and to get help. How old are your children? What do they know or not know about not going with their father without checking first with you? What kind of self-defense skills do they have? What do the people around you know - such as your neighbors, friends, co-workers, teachers or your children??

Problems should not have to be secrets and you DESERVE to have help. You want to create a safety net of care around your family.

Talk your situation over with the police and with a counselor. Learn self-defense skills from KIDPOWER or a program like ours - and think about having your children, if they are old enough, do the same. We have an article about How to Pick a Good Self-Defense Program on our website.

And please feel free to ask me any other questions through this forum. You DESERVE to be safe.

Irene

[Dream]

My children are now 14,12,9 and 7. They all know not to go anywhere with there Father. They all wouldn't go with him willingly. Their schools all have my Ex on the do not release list. My neighbors also know that he isn't welcome here.

I have discussed this with our counselor who told me to just start using awareness percautions. Pick the kids up at the bus stop. Always carry my cell phone ,even to get the mail.Keep the doors locked.
I know that here in NY my Ex would have to do something before the police would even care.
I also know my Ex is afraid of police and or jail so that has always been a safety net.

I am going to check out the KIDPOWER site about how to Pick a Good Self-Defense Program.

[KIDPOWER]

It sounds like you are doing lots of things to keep your children and yourself safe.

If you haven't already, I would suggest you make a very specific safety plan with your children - their father is not a safe person so their safety plan is to know how to get help everywhere they go and to leave immediately, no matter what he says, and go get help. Having a safety plan is useful for lots of other problems too.

Have you had a restraining order against you Ex? If so, you could get that reactivated to make it illegal for him to contact any or you or come near you.

The right kind of self-defense workshp for all of you would give you important tools, not just for this problem, but to help prevent many other problems as well - and to build confidence. There is a big difference between knowing what you should do - and having the practice in actually doing it powerfully and successfully.

Finally, be safe in your imagination. If you start to worry, then focus on how you can get out of a dangerous situation safely instead. Mental preparedness - visualizing what to do - is what athletes to do prepare for a competition - in addition to their training.

[randyb]

I would look at the "hardware" and "software" you could put in place.

The hardware is checking ease of access to your auto and home and installing locks, motion activated lights, cell phone, etc.

Software is the awareness training with your kids. How and when to access 911, an escape plan, safe places to run to, etc.

Prevention is much better if possible. I would make personal visits to your local Law enforcement and just let them know what your situation is and your concerns. Give them as much information as possible.

[Dream]

Thanks Randy. Since this post I have moved over 900 miles away from him. I love having that much distance between us.

[KIDPOWER]

I am so glad you moved! And Randy's advice is excellent!

Even with lots of distance, these are all good ideas.

Take care,
Irene from KIDPOWER

[Magnolia Mama]

I agree, given his past you still have to be careful. He knows how to travel. Not saying he would show up but you have to be prepared for anything Dream. He is a very unstable man to begin with. Your a smart woman and I know if faced with it you'll handle yourself great!