Friend Bullying.

[nunya]

My ds has become friends with a little boy "J" in his class. J had been treating Brayden badly, after having many talks with Brayden and talking to his teacher. The bullying seemed to have stopped, and Brayden and the boy were now friends. Except the bullying hasn't stopped, it's just changed. Now the boy is telling Brayden that he will only be his friend if he lets him do something. For example, today, it was butt in front of Brayden in line. J is also setting rules for their friendship. Who he can play with and when.

I tried to explain why this was not how a friend acted, but Brayden didn't seem to really understand. He's 5 y/o, and I am trying to figure out what to say, and would be age appropriate for him.

Today I almost cried because when i asked Brayden how school was, he said good. He says good almost everyday, and I always ask, "what made it good?"

His answer was that J was nice to him today, so it was good. It saddens me that my son seems so drawn to this other boy, who is not being a good friend.

What can I say to Brayden so he understands how true friendship works?

[nunya]

:bump: Anyone?

[KIDPOWER]

Dear Nunya,

Sorry for taking so long to reply!

Brayden is at the beginning of a long path of learning how to have his good time not depend on the whims of one person. It is wonderful that you are there to guide him. Learning to deal with J can give him skills for a lifetime. Children also at times experiment with using their leadership in negative ways and in positive ways - and with learning how to take turns in leading and in following.

As adults, we often have a really hard time realizing when someone who is interesting and fun to be with is not acting like a good friend. Many of us also have times when we forget to take turns ourselves in being a good leader or a good follower.

It is very normal for children to develop dependencies on other children. As Brayden's mother, part of the solution is to lesson J's influence by broadening his friendship group. With a five-year-old, you can help facilitate other friendships by finding children and parents you like who are in the same class and making play dates. Doing fun things together can build relationships in ways that are more equal and encourage Brayden's to have the chance to be the leader.

Another part of the solution is to acknowledge Brayden's feelings without judgement -that J is fun to be with sometimes, that he feels good when J is nice to him, etc.

Then, you can say, "Sometimes friends get into a bad mood and say do things that are not safe. They might try to boss you around, not let you play with other kids, get you to do things that are against the rules like letting them cut in front of you in line, or say hurtful things to you."

"When a friend is acting safe, you can enjoy the friendship. When a friend is acting not safe, you can say, 'True friends don't try to stop you from playing with others.' Or, 'Sorry. Letting people cut in line is unfair to the other people in line."

You can act out safe behavior and unsafe behavior with your son's toys being characters. You can make a little book with him with example and drawings about when are people are acting like True Friends and when are they acting like Not True Friends.

Giving children tools instead of leaving them alone to figure these issues out for themselves is a wonderful way of preparing them to get the most out of their relationships throughout their lives.

Hope this helps,
Irene

[nunya]

It does help, it's exactly what i was looking for. Simple words to use with him, safe and unsafe. Thank you so much for the advice.

[*PL*]

:( Nunya - my dd was treated very similar by a "friend" I know how much it hurts to watch

[MIZ]

I just came to this forum because we are experiencing a similar situation and I wanted to see if anyone has BTDS. A girl whose backyard backs up to my backyard is bullying my daughter, and yet they are friends. She is the youngest of 3 girls, and I think her older sisters are in on it, too.:( My DD is also just out of Kindy and about to turn 6 and tonight the little girl dumped dirt on her head. Said she had a surprise and it was a bucket of dirt. This was over the fence between our yards; I was in the house getting the bath ready and I knew DD was outside talking over the fence. DH was out there too, but he was powerwashing so he heard nothing, either.

I guess I did all the right things, my DD and I practiced her saying to her friend, "That's not OK that you dumped dirt on me, friends don't do that and I never, ever want you to do that again." I also reminded her about all the good friends she DOES have who would NEVER dump dirt on her.

I am debating whether or not to call the mom, who is a friend of mine, but I just think I have to let it go today. I am frustrated, because my DD was actually covering for the girl and I had to convince her why it wasn't ok that she did that. That's the worst part to me, that my DD initially didn't think it was bad to get dirt dumped all over her.:(

[Lady LaRue]

I hate to see kids do this to each other. I do think you should tell the mom.

[Hoppy]

Personally, I think giving them skills is so important as the first line of defense. But, if the girl keeps treating your dd like that, despite her using her words, I would call the Mom in a second.

[cara7166]

I would tell the mom, simply because if it was my child that dumped the dirt *I* would need to know to address that issue with my child. I would be glad if someone cared enough to share that with me, knowing it was a difficult thing to share but that it was really something I needed to know about my child.

I'm really sorry about your daughter, Miz...that is a hard thing to understand at 6 why someone would do that.

[KIDPOWER]

First of all, I'm really sorry this happened to your daughter. What you have done so far is excellent. It's important to let your daughter know repeatedly that this was NOT her fault, that she did the right thing in telling you, and that you are going to help work things out.

Sensitive children are so quick to blame themselves when things go wrong. I think having your daughter practice what to say is important -she also needs to think about using her awareness. She can learn to notice when this girl is about to try to play a trick on her and remind her that good friends do NOT do unkind things to each other. It's very sad, but this kind of mean teasing is probably the way the sisters interact at times in their family.

I agree with many others about telling the mother, because this is something that I would want to know, if I were the mother. Also, not telling the mother can be damaging to your friendship. It's important to do this with kindness, in a very factual way, without ever using lables like bullying. You might say something on the lines of, "I really appreciate your friendship and feel nervous about bring this up. I am concerned because your daughter dumped a bucket of mud on my daughter's head and (mention other specific problem behaviors.) My daughter enjoys your daughter's friendship most of the time and I want to find a way to make sure that things like this don't happen when they are playing together."

You might make a list of all the things you are afraid your friend might say or think and practice answers to these things.

You can also have your daughter practice taking a step back and yelling, "STOP! THAT'S NOT SAFE!"

It IS hard to understand, and yet some children will experiment with using their leadership skills negatively - just like they experiment with other unsafe behaviors.

Hope this helps,
Irene