Difficulties young people have in planning ahead

[KIDPOWER]

Good Morning,

Yesterday, I was doing a training of Physical Education and Health Educators for middle and high school. The issue came up that the part of our brain that is able to do long range planning in most people is not fully developed until the mid-twenties.

Of course there are exceptions, but this helps explain why thinking ahead in the moment and projecting what WILL happen is so hard for many young people. They tend to be overly optimistic about the likely consequences of their actions. They might be great planners in some areas, but this skill is likely not to generalize to all areas.

It helps to remember that this is developmentally appropriate (even if alarming and frustrating at times) in order not to feel like a parenting failure with the poor decisions that young people sometimes make. The reality is that young people need a plan for how to handle different problems worked out ahead of time, because the plan they come up with in the moment is likely to have serious flaws. I remember a news story from a town near my home where a 16-year-old boy, when he forgot his house key, decided to get into his house by going down the chimney because he wasn't sure what else to do. Fortunately he didn't get injured, but he did get very stuck and the fire department had to break apart the chimney to get him out again. He explained, "I didn't want to bother anybody and no one ever told me not to go down the chimney."

Since it is impossible to think of all the things to tell one's child NOT to do, it is very useful to make a list of all the places your child goes, discuss all the problems that might come, and agree on a plan for how to handle those problems in the best way possible.

One health educator in a high school said that she sees this issue with teens making safe decisions about sexual behavior. They need to practice and role play boundary-setting skills for different types of situations so that they go into social activities with a plan that they have rehearsed in place. The ability to generalize seems missing, so it works best to have as many specific ideas a possible.

Would be interested in your thoughts and experiences about any of this.

Irene

[Chocko]

Irene, this is exactly what happens with my DS. If I don't map out what he can and can't do in different situations, he seems to fall into trouble. It also seems like he is the kind of child that everyone seems to notice making mistakes more so than his friends seem to get into trouble for the same behavior.

I find myself worrying about him more than my daughter who is two years older, because my son seems to not be able to put together an idea of how to react if the situation is vastly different from the norm.

I said the other day to my DH that when DS starts middle school, I need to volunteer at the school and make plans for my little one to go to preschool, so that I can do this, because I worry how he will cope with new situations. DH said in order to be there for him, I would have to invest in some cami clothes and practice my leopard crawl.

There has to be a middle ground or a technique to use to make "every" situation seem thinkable, because Lord knows I can't go over every thing that could possibly happen to him, and leopard crawl is just not working for me:lol:

This is a huge worry for me now as middle school looms up for him. :(

This is a Good topic:) We are so lucky to have Irene and KIDPOWER as a huge part of this board. Thank you Irene and KIDPOWER - You both ROCK:love:

[KIDPOWER]

Good Morning, Chocko,

In many areas including this one, girls are often developmentally ahead of boys in terms of their brains being able to plan ahead and to see consequences. It helps a lot to realize that it's not that some children don't want to think ahead or that there is anything wrong with them - it's just that their brains aren't ready to do this yet.

You can help your son develop this ability for himself by discussing with him what the plan is for each day, what is happening each day, and reminding him daily that his job is to let you know before the plan changes about WHERE he is going, WHAT he is doing, and WHO he is with - unless he's having the kind of emergency where he cannot check first in which case his job is to get help. YOu can role play to rehearse various "what if" situations that occur to you. You might tell your ds that you know he understands what to do, but for your peace of mind, it's important for you to see him to it. You can simply cheerfully insist if he tries to argue or resist, saying that showing you that he knows what to do is part of the way things are in your family.

Perhaps you can lead a project with the school that gets you there once a week as a parent volunteer with the students rather than trying to fit in with leopard crawl. ;-) Middle school is when I stopped completely using my organizing skills as a volunteer at the school so I could be able to observe my son with his peers while doing something that was fun and interesting with the kids.

There is a wonderful book written by developmental and clinical psychologist Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D.,called Hold Onto Your Kids - Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers, about the importance of insisting that parental attachment is kept stronger than peer attachment, with some practical ideas for parents of how to make this happen. This is partly because peers are in a far poorer position to be a reliable source of judgment.

Thanks for your kind words!

Irene