at my breaking point, need help

[Happybutt]

I have a 6 yr old (7 in august) and a 3 yr old (4 in August). The oldest was the first and very long awaited grandchild. She was also our first child after trying for 5 years. She was born 5 weeks premature and had reflux. We didn't like to let her cry a lot bc it aggravated it. We thought she would be the only child we ever had.

None of this is an excuse but she is horribly spoiled. She has learned over the years if she throws a fit she will get her way. I will take most of the responsibility for it but a huge part of it is my mother. The funny thing is now that my mom has created this monster, she is getting tired of it herself. I used to have to worry about my mom constantly stepping in when I was trying to parent her until one day my dad finally stepped up and said if she would mind her own business that maybe I could make her mind and that she was only teaching M that she did not have to listen to me.

That part has finally stopped and it has made a huge difference but it is still bad.

My youngest is very well behaved and I think that is bc I learned a lot from the mistakes I made with the first and did not repeat them. The problem is that oldest gets worse every day instead of better and she is teaching youngest to act the same way.

I know I have a real problem with consistency. She will whine and I will give in or I will say no a hundred times and finally just say fine do it. She knows this and she works it. She talks back constantly. Anything I ask her to do there is something she has to say, but but but is all I hear.

I have a list of parenting tips to remember on my fridge and one of them says try to say yes more often and save no for the big things. So I tried that. The problem is that my first instinct is to say no, then I remember that and realize it is something I should say yes to so I change my mind. I realize this is only showing her that I am not consistent.

I find myself yelling constantly. I start out nice enough. Marissa will you please not do that, Marissa I asked you not to do that, Marissa I am getting frustrated please stop, STOP IT. My main thing is when I am on the phone. She will not stop. I explain to her before I get on the phone that I need her to be quiet and why. Then I put my hand over the mouthpiece and ask her to please be quiet. Then I motion for her to leave the room. Then I leave the room and she follows me until I finally have to hang up and if it is a business call I have to call my sister and ask her to make it for me. It is that bad.

and she is not just acting up while I am on the phone for attention bc she acts like this all the time whether I am on the phone or not.

She screams constantly. All she does while she is at home is scream at the top of her lungs. I know all kids do this but it is out of control with her. If her daddy is trying to take a nap after work she is running up and down the halls screaming and chasing her sister. A time out helps her sister but with Rissa she goes right back to it. It is almost as if she cant control it. It has gotten to the point that her BFF who is also 7 is annoyed by it. That is my biggest issue. That is what she is doing while I am on the phone. If she is outside she is doing to the point of the neighbors being bothered. I get her to stop only for it to start right back after 3 minutes.

There has to be something I can do to make her stop constantly squealing and screaming. I get so frustrated with asking her to please stop that I am finally just wanting to scream SHUT UP and run out of the house.

She fights constantly with her sister. She will scream I had it first, it is mine, give it back just like a 3 year old. Is this normal for a almost 7 year old?

She is perfectly behaved at school and DH used to say that he would rather she act out at home than in public and I agree but the past few weeks she has exteneded to the park, friends houses, and other public places and I fear when school starts back she will do it there.

Restriction does not phase her, rewards do not phase her, no punishment I have ever tried phases her. I sometimes wonder if she speaks english :lol: I have had her tested for everything. I have had her hearing tested 3 times. It is not just bad things that she does this with. Last week she asked for ice cream. I said that sounds good, get your shoes on and we will walk up to the drug store and get some. She threw herself down on the front porch and started screaming I want ice cream, I want ice cream, you better get me ice cream NOW! all the while I am trying to explain to her that I said yes.

One of her favorite things to do is go to the neighbors and that is something I have been taking away for bad behaviour. I will tell her that she has lost the priviledge and she wont go tomorrow if she doesn't stop and she will keep it up, then she is surprised when she can't go.

She is very disrespectful toward people she is around all the time but in public she has excellent manners. They have one of those wooden swingsets that we have had for 5 years but it is falling apart so their daddy took it down with plans to buy a new one. Then he decided he was going to build one. Her BFF's dad built her a really nice one for less than half of what they sell for and DH wants to do that. This is not good enough for her. She wants it NOW. He bought them a bouncy house at the begginning of the Summer and it is red. She threw a horrible fit bc it is not pink. We are the only house on the block that even has a swingset or any other kind of toys and she is going to have a fit bc the bouncy house is not pink.

So I decided that when she filled a marble jar full that we would go ahead with the new swingset. She is in the negative marbles and she just doesn't care. Her daddy works hard for our money and I am trying to get her to understand that but she doesn't care. I am not spending over 1k on a swingset with her acting the way she is or for her to destroy. My problem is though that when they had a swingset they were outside playing on it constantly and that got a lot of energy out or at least out of my hair for a bit so I am torn on not getting a new one.

I could sit here and go on and on all day. I really need help. I was put on wellbutrin back in April for stress headaches and they have all but went away. They have also helped me a lot with my attitude. All of my friends and family have noticed a huge change in my reactions and my patience and I am not always yelling or stressing over every little thing. DH and I are getting along so much better bc I am not always pissed at him over something stupid yet give me 5 mins with Rissa and I am right back to the way I was before.

Again I am sorry this is so long. I just really need some help.

[bzymomof4]

:hug: That is so hard. I can sympathize with what you are going thru. You said you have tried rewards and all of that, but what kind of rewards? Is it something that she really wants? With DS1, he used to be very impatient and sometimes just flat out mean at home. We tried candy, earning bigger rewards, and that stuff. What finally worked was Pokemon cards. All his little friends have them and he had none. What we did was set some very simple rules, that HE helped us figure out. For example, getting ready for school without fussing, eating all of his food at meals, being kind to his sibs, getting ready for bed without fussing, and being respectful to mom and dad. 5 simple rules. He could earn 5 cards/day by following them. We picked up a deck for like $13, he was allowed to choose which 5 he wanted to earn that day. Then, if he misbehaved and broke one of HIS rules, he would loose it. He could have 2 warnings and then it was lost. He could earn extra cards for being REALLY good, like starting dishes without being told. Let me tell you, it has been the best money I have spent! It has been like 6 mos now and he has quite the collection, and we have our good boy back. I dont know, its just a thought.
Also, have you spoken to DD's Dr about her behavior? It sounds like she may have a defiance disorder (where she really CANT follow your rules, not that she is choosing not to follow them). My nephew was found to have it and is on some meds for it now. Their home is much happier.
Anyway, I know you will be able to get thru this. Its hard, but you have a wonderful support system, and I know we are all here for you. :hug: Good luck and keep smiling.

[Happybutt]

Thanks BZY. I have had her checked at the dr but she is always an angel there and everyone thinks I am overreacting. I hadn't heard of defiance disorder though, I will google it and see if it sounds like her.

As for rewards, I've done movies, going to Grandmas, stickers, a dollar store toy every day, walking to the ice cream shop, having friends over and vice versa.

A big part of my problem is using something I want to do as a punishemtnt. Like for instance going to the park yesterday with BFF. I kept telling her we wouldn't go if she didn't shape up and then I realized I wanted to go and that was also punishing BFF. So I need to stop doing that. I need to realize I am doing it before it is out of my mouth to. I never stop and think I only react.

As for the marbles, we use them as a reward but what do you do when you have taken them all out?

and another thing that drives me nuts is when you tell her not to do something and she will look you right in the eye and do it anyway.

[Happybutt]

I found this and she has most of these symptoms. She does not have hositility towards authority, just me. Her teachers and other school officials brag on her constantly. She does not have these last 3 either
Aggressiveness toward peers
Difficulty maintaining friendships
Academic problems

She is great with her friends, she's very popular and makes friends very easily and keeps them and she does great in school. The only problem I have noticed with her friends is the one BFF and that is just the constant squealing annoys her.

Negativity
Defiance

Disobedience
Hostility directed toward authority figures
These behaviors might cause your child to regularly and consistently show these symptoms:

Frequent temper tantrums
Argumentativeness with adults
Refusal to comply with adult requests or rules
Deliberate annoyance of other people
Blaming others for mistakes or misbehavior
Acting touchy and easily annoyed
Anger and resentment
Spiteful or vindictive behavior
Aggressiveness toward peers
Difficulty maintaining friendships
Academic problems

[bzymomof4]

But she is showing defiance to authority, YOU are and authority figure! My nephew would not listen to his parents, but would everyone else. And they don't have to have all the symptoms to have it. Like I said, it was just a thought. Might be at least worth a phone call to her Dr and bounce it off them.

[Happybutt]

I wasn't ruling it out completely just saying she didn't have some of the symptoms but most of them and that threw up a flag for me. I will talk to him about it.

[3babesandadad]

Happybutt,
I am so sorry you are going through this.
Here's what I definately see through reading Hal's book;
you're absolutely right- it's not doing her (or you for that matter) any good if you're not consistent. She doesn't think you're serious when you tell her no- and you're only reinforcing her belief in this when you eventually give in. SHE KNOWS you will eventually if she nags you enough- there's got to be a point when you finally decide you're going to be in charge and when you say no, you mean it- you don't give in, no matter how much she nags. I like to tell S "...and if you ask again you'll go to time out". And follow through.
Secondly- again, you're absolutely right- and Hal even said it- you can't punish your child by punishing yourself. So next time you have plans to go to the park- don't cancel them (or threaten to cancel them) on her account-instead tell her "When we get to the park you're going to have to sit down on the bench and watch the other kids play- you will not be allowed to play" that way you still get to go and spend time with your friend, but she still gets punished. and FOLLOW through! Don't give in just because she nags and screams (because she will) In fact, put her at the picnic table next to you and completely ignore her. Someteims you can turn and tell her how much of a baby she is acting like in front of all her friends at the park. But ultimately you have to ignore her behavior. And never give in to let her go play. It's going to be hard, and EMBARASSING- to have your 7 year old sitting there screaming her head off, and you completely ignoring her... but the message to her is what is important. Also, Hal says it's important to TELL them that they re making these decisions.
"Why mommy, why can't I play?"
"Because you chose to disobey me, now you suffer the consequences." Let them know it's their own doing and they may think differently about the choices they make.

I hope some of this has helped you. remember (and this is the hardest part for me) she wasn't spoiled overnight- it won't get fixed overnight either.

:squish:
good luck, and i'm glad you asked for support, that's what we're here for :)

[Happybutt]

Thanks 3 Babes. All of that makes perfect sense and if I can just remember it and stick to it hopefully it will work. It sounds like their are some very good points in the book. Thanks for sharing them with me.

I never thought of going ahead and going to the park and not letting her play. That almost sounds cruel, but I can see how it would work and I like the idea of telling her she choose to disobey me and this is why she can't play. Now if I can just stick ot it and not give in bc I am embarassed.

Today has been a little better. I have made a decision to not yell and I haven't and that feels great but it sure is hard :lol:

We also made it completely through a time out:clap:

I use 3 mins. I read somewhere that 3 is the most bc they will forget if they sit there any longer, not to go by age. Is that right?

I also used a timer and stuck to it, which I have never done before. It is a start.

[Lady LaRue]

Wow, it sounds like you are having a tough time. I don't know what the answer is, other than consistency. YOU said you do realize that you are teaching her she can get her way with a little persistence and a tantrum or two. I think that's key. YOu have to be stronger, no matter how hard it is.

Regarding the ice-cream trip....I would have change my mnid and said NO, even though she didn't hear you say YES, I would have explained to her that you had said yes, but changed your mind because of the inappropriate behavior. Mine do that sometimes and they'll cry "I thought you said NO," or "I didn't know you said yes, please let's go...!!!!" I just say, "Sorry, whether you heard me or not, screaming at me and demanding a special treat is not acceptable."

It seems that she has complete control over this if she can behave in certain places, but just not at home. :dunno:

I'm sorry I still don't know the answer for you. :hug2: Come see me for a break. :lol:

[Hoppy]

I am going through this with all three of my kids. I finally realized that in my efforts to be a "fair" Mom, I have allowed my kids to have too many choices about everything. It is at the point where they think they can negotiate every little thing as if it is their given right. Also, in an effort to keep the peace, I have given in too often. I, too, have been a yeller and am trying so hard to not have it come to that. I do honestly feel that they don't hear me until I finally scream. :( What I am trying to do is be stoic and consistent. Let me tell you that this is royally pissing off my twins. I also have been trying to take time outs for myself. It doesn't work with the 3 year old, but I can say to my almost 9 year olds, that I NEED to walk away for everyone's sake. As far as a diagnosable disorder, that is best left up to a psychologist or medical doctor. My experience is that if your child can behave perfectly in every situation except with you, that it is probably you and not her. ;) I hear constantly how polite my boys are and how lovely they are. This is not a side they show me.

Hang in there. Please peruse the Scream Free site. www.screamfree.com It really opens your eyes to how innocent most children are and how it is about US and our reactions and not THEM.

[Happybutt]

I really think 99% of the problem is me. Well and Dh of course. He is worse than I am. I think we put ourselves in her place to many times and think well this was done to me as a kid and I didn't like it and I want her to feel better so we give in. Of course looking back I am glad I was disciplined and I know I am not doing her any favors.

It is just easier to give in and I need to stop that.

Today we went out to eat with a friend and then went back to his Grandmothers. I told her the behavior I expected before we went into the house. I told her if she was good that she would get a marble when we got home. The problem was that I needed her to be quiet so that I could talk with the Gma. Instead she interupted me every two seconds to tell me that she was being good and was going to get a marble. I asked her repeatedly to be quiet and I was really getting frustrated. Then she proceeded to fling herself on and off of the couch. A couch that didn't even look like it had ever been sat on.

She knew once we were in the car that she was in trouble. She cried all the way home and I did what 3 babes said and told her that she had made a choice and now she was going to lose that marble. That really seemed to make a difference, it was like she realized I was not being mean that she had caused this. When I got home I went to take it out and she was still screaming not to and I felt bad bc it was the only one she had but I did it anyway. Then she went to her room. When she came out and apologized I let her go to the neighbors to play.

I think a few days ago that would have had an entirely different outcome. I feel I have made a tiny step forward. Another thing is that DH and I are trying to parent together instead of going against each other. It used to be when I would see him punishing them my first instict was to defend whatever it was they did. I would say he was overreacting. Problem was he did the same thing to me and the kids saw this.

I've also been taking little breaks, even if it is just locking myself in the bathroom:lol:

I think you two are right. She does control her behaviour. It is not an act, she knows her manners and she just chooses not to use them at home simply bc she knows she doesn't have to. Dh installed cable for one of the 2nd grade teachers today(rissa will bei n first next year) and he said she just bragged on how well behaved she is. So I know she is capable of it:lol:

I also set up a schedule which is something I have never been able to stick to. I set alarms on my phone so I don't forget and I am going to try not to let anything interefere with it. Dh thinks that is part of the problem bc she has a schedule at school and at home things are just wild. It's only been 2 days but it seems to be working.