KIDPOWER
08-19-2008, 09:19 AM
Good Morning, UofMom members.
A friend of mine who is a psychologist specializing in conflict resolution says that much of her work is now the result of conflicts caused by e-mail communications. E-mail is enormously convenient, but not always reliable. The lack of information available through tone of voice and the speed without the opportunity for immediate clarification and the permanence of the written word risks creating unnecessary misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
In KIDPOWER, we now have an agreement to pick up the telephone and TALK to each other before we get upset by something someone wrote in an e-mail - and also to call and speak directly to someone if we need to say something that this individual is not going to like.
Tone of voice can make written words sound enormously different. Once I got terribly angry at my brother for an e-mail he wrote me. When I called, he read it to me - the same words sounded completely different and had a different meaning when he read them aloud!
The immediacy of e-mail can also lead to problems. To help combat this, we have adapted a technique called Hands Down Power - that we teach our students of any age to stop themselves from hitting someone or from touching someone they shouldn't.
One of our wonderful instructors, Erika, asks people, "How many of you have sent an e-mail message that you shouldn't have sent?" She tells them to imagine that they are at the computer and feeling angry as they are about to write to someone. She asks people to notice how their bodies feel when they are upset, unhappy, angry or righteous - perhaps tense, perhaps their breathing is shallow, maybe their jaws are clenched.
Then, Erika asks them to put their hands in the air as if they are over a keyboard about to write a message- and she tells them, "This is a time when you step AWAY from the technology and use Hands Down Power. Wait a few hours before sending that message - or better yet, call someone who upsets you!"
Remember that, despite our unhappy feelings with someone in the moment, most of us want to create more peace and understanding in our lives, rather than getting back at someone, even if we think in the moment that this person "deserves" it.
Of course, sometimes, such as in forums like this one or when people are on very different schedules, we don't have the choice of calling. In these cases, remember that anger, sarcasm, irritation or humor can be easily misunderstood and negativity can be magnified far beyond anything intended by the writer. I will often tell people to hear my tone as being "caring" or "humorous" or "slightly frustrated but not angry" in order to give them a context for my words.
So, what have YOUR experiences been like in this area? Any solutions you have found?
Many thanks,
Irene from KIDPOWER
A friend of mine who is a psychologist specializing in conflict resolution says that much of her work is now the result of conflicts caused by e-mail communications. E-mail is enormously convenient, but not always reliable. The lack of information available through tone of voice and the speed without the opportunity for immediate clarification and the permanence of the written word risks creating unnecessary misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
In KIDPOWER, we now have an agreement to pick up the telephone and TALK to each other before we get upset by something someone wrote in an e-mail - and also to call and speak directly to someone if we need to say something that this individual is not going to like.
Tone of voice can make written words sound enormously different. Once I got terribly angry at my brother for an e-mail he wrote me. When I called, he read it to me - the same words sounded completely different and had a different meaning when he read them aloud!
The immediacy of e-mail can also lead to problems. To help combat this, we have adapted a technique called Hands Down Power - that we teach our students of any age to stop themselves from hitting someone or from touching someone they shouldn't.
One of our wonderful instructors, Erika, asks people, "How many of you have sent an e-mail message that you shouldn't have sent?" She tells them to imagine that they are at the computer and feeling angry as they are about to write to someone. She asks people to notice how their bodies feel when they are upset, unhappy, angry or righteous - perhaps tense, perhaps their breathing is shallow, maybe their jaws are clenched.
Then, Erika asks them to put their hands in the air as if they are over a keyboard about to write a message- and she tells them, "This is a time when you step AWAY from the technology and use Hands Down Power. Wait a few hours before sending that message - or better yet, call someone who upsets you!"
Remember that, despite our unhappy feelings with someone in the moment, most of us want to create more peace and understanding in our lives, rather than getting back at someone, even if we think in the moment that this person "deserves" it.
Of course, sometimes, such as in forums like this one or when people are on very different schedules, we don't have the choice of calling. In these cases, remember that anger, sarcasm, irritation or humor can be easily misunderstood and negativity can be magnified far beyond anything intended by the writer. I will often tell people to hear my tone as being "caring" or "humorous" or "slightly frustrated but not angry" in order to give them a context for my words.
So, what have YOUR experiences been like in this area? Any solutions you have found?
Many thanks,
Irene from KIDPOWER