Beginning of school........

[Graceysmum]

Ok. So it's the first day of school. So far, so good. But my oldest DD is in 5th grade and her friends are fiercely competitive when it comes to grades. She, on the other hand, just starts feeling awful about herself as opposed to feeling competitive. I know it's coming.

How can I help?? I'm already stressed about it.

[KIDPOWER]

Good for you for noticing a problem and being proactive about it, instead of just letting it go. This can become a wonderful opportunity to practice some self-talk and peer communication skills that can serve your daughter her life long.

First of all, you can introduce the issue with your daughter by saying something like, "I have noticed that you tend to feel bad about yourself about grades and I think it is very important for you to feel good about yourself, no matter how well or poorly you do on a test or in a class. Feeling bad about yourself just makes you upset and does not help you to do better in school. The purpose of school is to help you to have a happy successful life. Feeling bad about yourself will NOT help you to be either successful or happy. Learning what you need to learn in school is important, but lots of very successful people did horribly in school. Einstein didn't learn to read until he was nine years old, for example! Doing well in school is not nearly as important as learning to be happy, in spite of things not going the way you want them to -- so let's use this as an opportunity to practice NOT comparing yourself to your friends and changing unkind messages you say to yourself to positive messages."

You can then brainstorm and practice different answers to friends commenting or asking about performance or grades such as, "I've decided to practice not comparing myself to other people. I don't want to talk about grades - I'd rather talk about who's going to be President!" etc.

You can brainstorm different mean things she says to herself and practice by saying those things out loud to her while she physically throws them away and says, "I'm proud of who I am. I don't have to be perfect to be great. Mistakes are part of learning." etc.

Hope this helps!
Irene

[Hoppy]

Brilliant as always, Irene! I am going to link to this in our main Quad!

[Graceysmum]

Thank you! It really worries me for her as she is a very bright child - but also terribly sensitive to how others perceive her. I'll work on this with her and see how we do.

[KIDPOWER]

The reason your daughter is so aware of how others perceive her is most likely because she is highly empathic. Like many other things, empathy is a quality that is a gift when you are in charge of it - and a burden when it is in charge of you. Learning how to manage her empathy and other qualities is going to be important for your daughter - in the long run, much more important to her for having a happy life than getting good grades.

I was also a bright terribly sensitive child who agonized over what I thought others were thinking of me and who judged my own worth by how well I did in school and by how much people liked me. If I had learned to see myself as completely valuable not matter what much earlier in my life, I would have been spared a lot of unnecessary pain - and very likely done just as well in school.

Good Luck! And please keep me posted.

Irene from KIDPOWER